My stomach knots as I read, "Sara's mom died this weekend. The secretary has a card for all to sign." My heart feels for Sara's loss. How can I support her, what might she be going through, should I play the role of therapist, coworker or friend, what should I write on the card? That card, what to write on that card? I read other responses while I debate my own, "I'm praying for you, sorry for your loss, I'm sorry, thinking of you, wishing you and your family the strength to carry on, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I script a quick, "Sorry for your loss," and close the card with an empty feeling burning inside me. I know what she is going through.

I hate those cards but understand their purpose. Sending a collective caring note offering pity for one's pain lets the sufferer know their grief is noticed and accepted. The card informs Sara that if she needs to cry in her office, is sad or moody or misses a few days of work, her coworkers understand and she does not have to explain her pain. Now when the people Sara works with find her crying they can simply offer a hug or pat on the back and say, "I know," and allow Sara time to grieve.

Grieving is personal and individual for each person therefore there is no real grieving process. Past convention suggests a person passes through five stages of grieving;

1. Denial and isolation - disbelief the loss happened and retreating into ourselves.

2. Anger - displayed toward God, the world or the person who died.

3. Bargaining - with God to return the loss.

4. Depression - sadness and feeling of emptiness.

5. Acceptance - coming to peace with the loss.

Present convention understands that no one person grieves the same and offering, "The expected or accepted 5 steps of grieving," might create a feeling of maladjustment and mental deficiency if the person grieving does not follow the expected guideline. Grieving, mourning and bereavement are normal life processes which help create clarity of life, of living.

Many individuals experience different emotions when mourning a loss. These emotions might include shock, preoccupation with the crisis surrounding the loss, sorrow, fatigue, denial, depression, withdrawal, relief, shock, anger, guilt, anxiety, resolution and readjustment. Some mourn for years while others mourn only a few months.

Everyone needs to grieve and every individual handles loss differently. Grieving takes time.

• Those who express the strongest grief immediately do not purge their grief more quickly.

• For most people bereavement therapy and self-help groups do little to enhance the healing power of time and supportive friends.

• Grieving spouses who talk often with others or who receive grief counseling adjust no better than those who grieve more privately.

• No amount of talking can eliminate the feeling of being alone and separated from the loved one.

• Terminally ill and bereaved people do not go through predictable stages, such as denial, anger and so forth. Given similar losses, some people grieve hard and long, others more lightly and briefly.

• I define grieving as mourning the loss of something important. That something might include a spouse, child, parent or friend, a pet, a marriage, a job, our children leaving home or the loss of life's opportunities.

Mourning the loss of life's opportunities requires explanation. Theorist Erik Erikson contends that as we go through life we travel through psychosocial stages. In each life stage we have a task to do. As an infant our task is to learn to trust or mistrust the people around us. If an infant's basic needs are met they learn to trust. If their needs are not met they learn mistrust.

In late adulthood we reflect on what we've done in our life to determine our self-worth - did we make a difference? During this life retrospection we celebrate if we made of life what life had to offer us - if we made a difference, and mourn if we feel our life was not important - if we failed to make a difference. This mourning equates to the loss of a loved one - one's self.

Mourning the loss of a loved one differs depending on the relationship of that loved one. The funeral of a mother who dies after a life fully actualized is a celebration of the person's life. Although death may be unwelcome, life itself can be affirmed even at death. This is especially true for people who review their lives not with despair but with what Erikson calls a sense of integrity - a feeling that one's life has been meaningful and worthwhile.

I facilitate a group for children who have lost a parent or sibling to death. Children deal differently with death than adults do. A child in the group didn't cry at her mom's funeral and her grandparents were worried that she didn't understand the finality of death. They wanted their little granddaughter to know that her mom was not coming back home again. After talking with the child I began to understand her point of view. She understood fully that her mom was in heaven and was never coming back home. The little girl just wanted to be strong for her grandparents because she didn't want them to be sad anymore so she cried in private.

Kids are resilient. Children in this group speak openly about their loss and the sadness they feel. They also talk about their future and recent successes and look forward to their future. These kids are not psychologically damaged. They are sad and situationally depressed but working through the normal grieving process. They are healthy.

If we pity and sympathize with kids who suffer loss, their role and character will change. They become waifs and victims instead of strong resilient children. Empathizing puts us in the position of the grieving child, which allows us to see the world as they are seeing it - to understand their world. Sympathizing means we pity the child and feel sorry for them. Which would you prefer - pity or understanding?

Death and loss makes the survivor's life unbearable and painful but is a natural and healthy part of living. It becomes unhealthy when we consider our own mortality then begin to search for ways to end our own life. When considering taking one's own life, one must immediately surround themselves with loved ones and search for professional help. The pain might seem unbearable but with time and support will become manageable. Accepting loss requires time.

Bill Rutherford is a psychotherapist, public speaker, elementary school counselor, adjunct college psychology instructor and executive chef, and owner of Rutherford Education Group. Please e-mail him at bprutherford@hotmail.com and check out www.foodforthoughtcda.com.