Parenting is no accident. To become an effective parent one must be in control of their emotions and composure.

Children view yelling and anger as love verses hate. Small children do not understand human emotion as adults do. When a child says "I hate you," they are saying they are mad at you but don't have the language acquisition to fully understand love and hate. Instead, their limited language and emotional maturity allows them to like you or not like you - black and white thinking.

It's important not to get angry and combative if a child states they no longer love us. We can simply say "I'm sorry you're mad" in a calm and caring way. Most parents explode when feeling frustrated or tired, which is understandable. When we explode, no matter the reason, we should expect the victim of our explosion to react. This reaction will almost always be negative.

Quinlyn, my 3-year-old granddaughter, has a new fascination - she loves to pick flowers from my garden. Gardening has become an obsession for me. I teach these skills to my granddaughters as they follow me around the garden. Last summer I caught Quinlyn picking one of the first light purple cosmos of the summer and I yelled,

"Quiny, quit picking my flowers!"

My beautiful grandbaby looked up at me with her dark brown eyes, Dutch boy brown haircut and slightly upturned corners of her tiny mouth, looked back at the plant, and gently picked the last flowering cosmos. This time I yelled loud enough for the neighbors to hear.

"Quin, what are you doing? Quit picking my flowers!"

The upturned corners of her mouth turned south, she looked at me with fear and started crying big raindrop tears. Her bottom lip pursed and tears started pouring from her round chocolate eyes. I followed her lead by losing my composure as my eyes filled with moisture. I felt like the worst grandfather in the world! I used my power to scare and intimidate instead of my wisdom to teach.

I wanted Quin to stop picking flowers. I taught her that when I ask her to stop doing something and she continues to do it, I will blow up and become a scary monster. I taught her I am not a loving grandfather but a frightening grandfather who is intimidating and scary. I taught her that when she is hurt or frightened, she should search for her loving and nurturing mother, grandmother or baby sitter - and not the uncompassionate me - to comfort her.

So how do we nurture and not intimidate?

1. Pick our battles - a flower is just a flower!

2. Fix our mistakes - a hug for Quin helped fix my explosion when I saw her tears.

3. Don't explode - exploding forces the victim to yell, cry, run away and fear you; the outcome of the victim is predictable!

4. Stay in control - our emotions are unpredictable when we lose control. We tend to do and say things we later regret.

Intimidation and fear creates a reactive child who struggles to understand their role in the world and reacts to situations. A nurtured and cared for child explores the world and discovers and creates their role in the world. Discovering is better than reacting.

Bill Rutherford is a psychotherapist, public speaker, elementary school counselor, adjunct college psychology instructor and executive chef, and owner of Rutherford Education Group. Please e-mail him at [email protected] and check out www.foodforthoughtcda.com.