"If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all," I often hear parents and teachers scold when children announce a peer's deficiency. "You're fat," a child blurts to their husky teacher as the teacher recoils then blushes in embarrassment. "Your new haircut makes your face look stupid," a teenager tells her friend stating, "You wanted to know the truth!" Does the truth really matter? Let's examine this dilemma. Is the truth always necessary and is lying sometimes warranted?

Last week I explored the thoughts of a simple man - the simple man being myself. With these thoughts I suggest being honest as not necessarily important and lying as required on occasion. Many of my loyal readers took exception to this simple thought and emailed their disbelief that I might suggest lying outweighs the truth. I value this opinion and honor truth as the ultimate ethical keystone to moral standing. I also understand that the truth might be used as a tool to diminish one's importance, to attack one's deficiencies and to gain power over another for advancement or personal importance.

To understand the foundation of honesty one must first look at the most honest of our population - our children. Children are extremely honest before the age of 7. Little kids wonder out-loud, "Why is that lady so short?" "Why is that man in a wheelchair?" "Why is that dirty man asking us for money?" As parents we cover our children's mouths and turn red at our child's honesty.

At the young age of 3 or 4 we teach our children not to talk about what they observe - we teach our kids to lie. "Don't talk to them, they are different," we tell the child as we quickly pull them firmly by the arm, away from the focus of our embarrassment. Is this the right message to teach a 4-year-old? I think not. When a child questions what they don't understand, help them understand.

Parents help children deceive when protecting the feelings of another. "Tell grandma you love the bunny pajamas she made for you." "Dad's cake isn't that burnt, is it Charlie?" "Doesn't your little brother play piano beautifully?" We ask children these questions prodding them to nod in agreement to our emotional rescue. Grandma, dad and little brother feel better for the deception and no one is hurt - unless grandma makes more animal pajamas, dad continues to burn the cake and little brother plays more often and louder for our pleasure. This is a double-edged sword. Does a person lie to protect another's feelings and suffer the consequence or protect oneself by hurting another's emotions?

Teenagers have different rules of engagement. Honesty can be a tool used to hurt, deceive and diminish one's position in the hierarchy of middle and high school royalty. These truths are often told through shared secretes between close friends and usually start with a whisper, "You know what Alex said about you?" Intrigued and curious, the close friend leans in for the secret knowledge from Alex and is surprised and hurt when told Alex thinks she dresses like a hobo.

Much is gained in this transaction. The friend sharing Alex's secret gains power as the all-knowing receiver and sharer of information. In this sharing, her friend is now mad at Alex and trusts her secret-telling friend more for being a good, honest friend, until Alex discovers that she told a secret. Then Alex becomes mad at the secret sharer and the drama begins.

If lying is bad but sometimes warranted, how do we teach children the difference? The secret can be found in the child's stage of cognitive (brain) development. A child, before the age of 7 is in what Swiss developmental psychologist, Jean Piaget, calls the preoperational stage of development. In this stage of development, a child focuses on himself or herself and instead of thinking logically, thinks as he's been taught to think. They follow rules and struggle communicating why they are supposed to do something. They simply do what is asked (or choose not to do what is asked) because it was asked by an authority figure.

When a parent explains to a child that they should tell dad that his cake wasn't very burnt and that it tastes good anyway, the child will often ask why? The parent might suggest that dad worked hard to bake the cake and it took a lot of work and if we tell dad that his cake tastes good, it will make him feel better. The problem with this strategy is the child does not understand it. Between the ages of 2 and 5 children understand yes and no, right and wrong.

The message to sometimes lie is inconsistent with the message most parents teach their children - always tell the truth. A parent might tell a child, "It's mean to tell dad his cake tastes like a campfire." A child in the preoperational stage of cognitive development will understand this statement. The child understands mean or nice, happy or sad while the abstract meaning of feelings and emotions elude them. It's healthy to talk about emotions and feelings with our kids but much of the impact will be lost on them.

Constantly reinforcing children younger than 7 to always tell the truth is good practice. Answering questions about lying in an honest, simple, black and white way will reinforce truth-telling behavior.

What about lying as a teenager? At the age of 12, a child enters the formal operational stage of development, which allows the child to think logically and abstractly. When a teenager tells another the "truth" about what someone said about her, she is using the painful facts in a premeditative, calculative way to cause emotional damage - the truth hurts. Saying nothing or concealing the truth is often kinder than always being honest. Teenagers and adults often hide behind the truth. Ask yourself the following questions and decide; should you tell the truth, lie or say nothing at all:

• You see a married friend having an intimate dinner with someone other than his or her spouse.

• You throw away or return all the Christmas gifts given by a certain relative because you hate what they give.

• Your friend has a new hairdo and it looks horrific.

• Your best bud put on a few extra pounds over the winter and asks if you think he is fat.

• A friend asks you to go out with her but you know, when she goes out she drinks too much and embarrasses you.

• A coworker asks you to proofread his resume. He is looking for another job and wants you to keep it a secret because as soon as he is hired, he is leaving with no notice. You like your boss and wonder if you should tell her about the coworker.

The truth shall set you free but how free are you willing to be? Everyone has a personal, intrinsic, ethical and moral barometer that informs what we believe is right and wrong. Sometimes it feels good to do an internal check to ensure out barometer is calibrated.

Bill Rutherford is a psychotherapist, public speaker, elementary school counselor, adjunct college psychology instructor and executive chef, and owner of Rutherford Education Group. Please e-mail him at [email protected] and check out www.foodforthoughtcda.com.