John Holley remembers the day moment by moment.

He heard his wife Stacey's car pulling into the garage at their Post Falls home, he said, and went to meet her as she exited, smiling, happy.

Then she saw his face.

"She said, 'What's wrong?' And I said, 'Matthew's gone to heaven. Please don't hate me,'" John said, tears brimming.

"I thought it was my fault for some reason. You're half out of your mind at that point."

Things haven't gotten easier for the Holleys since November 2005, when the couple learned their only son, a 21-year-old medic with the 101st Airborne, had been killed in Iraq.

But they have learned to carry their pain by throwing themselves into a cause they're passionate about, the couple said Saturday morning at Lake City Community Church.

As guest speakers at LCCC's annual Celebration of Remembrance, where folks gathered to remember passed loved ones and grieve as openly as needed, the Holleys described years of lobbying on behalf of fallen soldiers' families.

The distraction of helping others, John said, is what prevents his own grief from overwhelming him every day.

"We don't have all the answers," he said, adding that he and Stacey live both in North Idaho and San Diego. "But we're surviving."

Pastor Rodney Wright was not surprised to see hundreds turn out for the event, where individuals were encouraged to cry, laugh and share stories of their loved ones.

The church provides this event on top of grief counseling classes, he said, because the holidays can be a challenge for those facing loss.

The pastor was convinced the Holleys' story could at least provide folks with the tools to navigate their own grief, he said.

"We're not letting go today. We're just letting go of some pain," Wright said.

John learned about preserving memories the hard way, he said.

He had been irate, he explained, when he learned his son's remains would arrive as freight on a commercial flight, to be unloaded after baggage and with no welcome by the National Guard.

"I said, 'If he was a president or general, this is not how he would be treated,'" John said, recalling a phone call to a casualty assistance officer. "'He is no less to me.'"

Enough passionate phone calls eventually got Matthew the welcome he deserved, John said.

And the Holleys were suddenly oriented toward a goal.

For years, they lobbied to ensure no soldiers' remains would be "delivered on a forklift," to the freight section of an airplane, John said.

Eventually President Bush signed into law the Holley Provision to the 2007 Defense Authorization Act, stating that the bodies of fallen service men and women will be flown in on military or military-contracted flights and received by the Honor Guard.

All that work helped the couple cope, John said.

"We just stayed busy, trying to help other people. And that's the main thing, taking your eyes off yourself and putting them on others," John said. "It diminishes your own pain."

Stacey had simple advice for grieving individuals in the church auditorium.

Forgive, she said. Seek out friends.

"Be willing to talk about your grief," Stacey said. "While those around you may not understand, they do care."

Folks in the audience, many wiping their eyes, were invited to decorate trees up front with ornaments inscribed with the names of their lost loved ones.

"For a grown man to cry and not be judged, it's much easier here, in this environment," said Bille Bedord, grieving for his parents and step daughter lost to brain cancer. "I feel free to look you straight in the eye and express my emotions."

Torben Begines held his wife Kathy for a long moment after they hung an ornament.

The Hayden couple was there to remember their lost parents and 18-year-old son, Torben Ty.

"These things give comfort," Torben said of the remembrance ceremony. "(Grief) just doesn't seem to go away, no matter how long."

Veteran Larry Hultz said the Holleys' story touched him, stirring up memories of others who have gone into combat.

"There are lots of vets I've known, some of them I've buried, some I haven't," he said.

Holding an ornament for his parents, Hultz added that the service is necessary to let out tough feelings.

"Yes, it helps. It eases some of the pain," he said. "It comes from your heart. You've got to remember the people you looked up to."

John said he considers his and Stacey's efforts as continuing their son's mission.

"We picked up my son's flag and kept moving forward," John said. "As long as we keep moving forward, we're going to make it."