I am a single mom and in the final months of graduate school for my practitioner license. I have two children, both honor students in a local junior high here in town. Because of my schooling and long hours at work, I decided to move in with a man to save money and pay down some debt. For a while things went very well and the four of us were very happy. However, around this same time last year, about two months after we had moved in, circumstances began to change.

Because of financial constraints, I found myself justifying the outbursts as my fault and played down the situation. After all, he was paying the rent, took great care of my car and boat and is a talented carpenter. My living there was enabling me to pay down my debt of medical and dental bills acquired mostly from my children since we had no insurance or child support for several years. Nonetheless, the strain of our being there was sometimes a larger burden then he anticipated I believe. Nonetheless, there was a cycle of explosion followed by what felt like a honeymoon period where everything was great again. Then out of the blue, that would change in an instant.

With each episode I taught myself not to freak out, not to panic and thought if I learned to modify my behavior maybe it would modify his. This worked at first, but then the cycle continued to where anything would set him off and usually at the worst times. For example, just before I was out the door to take a major exam, on the boat in the middle of the lake or worse, in front of my kids.

In less than a year, I had contacted 911 dispatch four times for domestic violence. Each time after speaking with the police, I would minimize the abuse and convince myself I was being over reactive and to stick it out just a little longer until graduation, then money would be better and I could leave. He was usually so sweet and kind and maybe these episodes were indeed my fault and how I came across as he so often stated. I needed to just keep my mouth shut and then he wouldn't react so badly, that's what I needed to do.

But the outbursts worsened regardless and I was paying a hefty price of my self-worth, my focus on my exams, and worst of all, my increasing guilt for my children's well being. He was winning the battle of controlling me and I was beginning to believe I was unlovable, ugly and difficult to live with. After all, everybody loved him because he is so nice and thoughtful. It appeared he would give everyone his charm and come home and give me his rage.

The last event was at 5 o'clock Monday morning with the shouting, the four-letter words and name calling echoing down our street. When he stormed out, slamming the door behind him, two police officers arrived. One went to find him, and the other stayed with me, this time more insistent that I go to a women's shelter. I didn't want to upset the children's schedule, I thought. And then I began to think, what will it take for me to leave? As a nurse, a black eye won't do with most patients, nor swollen eyes from crying. As it was, the gals from class were pressing me to get out of this relationship. What am I waiting for? Money?

As I cried on the policeman's shoulder he told me life was too short and if I continued to make money the priority over what was in mine and my kids' best interests, I would wake up one day still broke with my kids grown up miles away or worse, damaged. "The stuff" didn't matter, the local gossip didn't matter. What was here, what was now, that's what mattered! The game face and the minimizing were not working for me anymore and I was clearly in trouble, big trouble. My children are 13 and 14, I'm an educated woman with two degrees... when is it ever a good time to be homeless?

It was still early morning, the kids were off to school and I was headed to the Women's Shelter. Driving and crying, I started praying... like I've never prayed in my life. I had been angry with God for a while but decided today was a good time to settle the score. It was time to take accountability for my mistakes. Own up to my fears, own up to my poor judgment in a home environment for selfish reasons and own up to the fact that the kids were probably suffering too. I let it all out and gave in to the notion that I was in control of my life because clearly, at this moment, that assessment was not accurate.

I decided I'd do something I had never done before; trust in a God I'd not always agreed with nor understood and on occasion, even hated. I asked for guidance and help finding a solution figuring it was time to give faith a chance and for once believe, REALLY BELIEVE someone might be listening.

Along the way I passed a rental sign not far from my kid's school. I turned around. It was a brand new development of townhomes recently built in the area. Rentals in the area had been hard to find lately, much less affordable. Nonetheless, still sniffling, I called the number from my cell. The property management agreed to show it to me within the next hour. By noon I had filled out an application and a credit check was in place.

While awaiting my application's approval and knowing I had no money, I called my bank and told them my situation. While still on the phone, they cash advanced in my checking account all the funds I needed for a move-in deposit. I was speechless.

By 2 p.m. my application was approved with a score of 715 on my credit report. The gal at the property management company marveled at how quickly the credit report and all the references had come back, record speed I think she said.

By the time the kids came home from school, I had keys in my hand of our new home.

The next day (my birthday) I was approved for a refinance on my car and my payments lowered to half. Then, I discovered I had a mutual fund I had been paying into for years I didn't know about. (God's birthday bonus.) It was the best Birthday present of my life.

Two days later, I am out of an abusive living situation, on my way to recovery with my life back and moving forward. The business card from the police officer is still on the dashboard of my car and it reminds me of how close we all came to being in a shelter. With school on winter break for a few weeks, I have time to breathe and reflect from this experience. I did not tell anyone about the problems at home mostly out of embarrassment and thinking I could handle it and wait it out. I am so glad I turned the car around that morning on the way to the shelter.

Some would say the timing for all of this to happen was awful. But in actuality, I think the timing turned out to be quite appropriate. We will have a real Merry Christmas and I couldn't ask for better.

From this experience I have learned a valuable lesson about life and about myself.

I do believe in miracles.

I do believe in our moments of real need, real accountability and genuine remorse... we are not alone. This was a moment in my life I will never forget, and a moment of faith when I didn't expect it to. The experience changed me and opened my eyes to a belief I had not really invested in until now. We look forward to going to church and while I am there, all I can do is say over and over... thank you.

Living in the light feels so much better than my life living in the dark.

Merry Christmas,

J.W., RN, is a Coeur d'Alene resident.