Constant anxiety is unhealthy mentally and physically. Stress has filled my life for the past three months and left me feeling out of control. I lost faith in people I trust, was forced to change things I felt needed no change, lost one of my best friends and was disrespected by people I respect. To regain control, I reevaluated what is important in my life and examined what is getting in the way of my success.

Prior to the modernization of our society, anxiety was a lifesaver for life-threatened humans. When approached by a threatening bear, arrow or other human, our body naturally enters a physically alert state preparing us to run away quickly from the threat or gain energy to fight the aggressor. In today's world there are two problems with this fight or flight nervous system reaction. The first problem; in the modern world we seldom have to fight bears or dodge arrows but the same physical mechanism alerts when stressed at work, in relationships or during times of loss. The second problem, when confronted by a bear, our body resets and stress leaves in the bear's absence. In the modern world, stress stays with us and our body maintains the anxiety even when the stressor leaves - when we leave work, leave stressful situations or after saying the final goodbye to a good friend. Sometimes anxiety turns off with the passage of time but often, a conscious effort to maintain life balance is required.

Three months allowing others to control my emotions and attitude is too long and last week I decided to make a change. Butterflies floating in my tummy every time I think of other's actions creates unwarranted and unwanted anxiety. It is my time to push back and regain the control recently lost. I offer the following insight into consciously regaining control in an out-of-control life.

• Look inward. Take a look inside your life and complete a mental self-assessment. What is working and not working in your life? Who or what is causing the anxiety, can it be fixed or adjusted to benefit you and how can you get rid of anxiety producers and add stress reducers? A tougher question one must ask; "Is there something I did to cause the anxiety?" There are positive reasons to create stress in one's life - applying for a new job, meeting new people and challenging inequities. Negative stress includes creating strife in relationships, being hypercritical of friends and family or not adjusting to change when change is required. Accepting one's role in creating stress and managing the stress others place on us is paramount to creating homeostasis. Two adages I live by are, "Don't let fools rent space in my head," and "Don't let the rascals get me down."

• Change is not always good. In the past month, I've heard, "Change is good," hundreds of times - I disagree. Change can be good for the person initiating change but devastating for people forced to change. Change is like a death. When forced to make unwanted life changes, a person grieves. Many individuals experience different emotions when mourning a loss. These emotions might include shock, preoccupation with the crisis surrounding the loss, sorrow, fatigue, denial, depression, withdrawal, relief, shock, anger, guilt, anxiety, resolution and readjustment. Some mourn for years while others mourn only a few months. Will a person get over forced change in time? Not always. Referring back to the previous bullet - looking inward suggests one might refuse change to regain control. If refusal is not an option, working inside the change is important.

• Integrity. I spent 11 years in the Air Force stationed throughout the United States and as an Airman, my Commander nominated me for Airman of the Year. Typically, questions asked during the interview for this award pertain to military history and law. With uniform pressed, hair high and tight and shoes polished, I enter the room, offer my address and am asked to sit. To my surprise, the committee asks one question, "Describe your understanding of integrity." Twenty-four years later I still remember my response. "Integrity is doing the right thing, even when no one is watching. Integrity is being honest, even when the truth is tough to hear. Integrity is treating people with respect, even when they've been disrespectful and integrity is being honest to myself about my faults and fissures. Lastly, integrity is being honorable, trustworthy, loyal and reliable." When rebalancing my life, I need to ensure my integrity while expecting integrity from the people in my life.

• To regain life-control I need to become closer with the people who are most important to me. Often, when life gets out of control people tend to take their frustration out on the people who they care most about - bad mistake! When life is out of control it is important to focus on the positive relationships in one's life. Close friends and family can help weather the anxiety storm if the relationship is nurtured during times of duress. I realized the strain my stress was putting on the people who care about me and made a conscious decision to be kind and thoughtful.

• Get back to the Earth. Walking, sitting in my hammock, working in the garden, fishing and rebuilding my fish pond takes my mind off the insignificant, meaningless, stressful situations in my life and allows me to think about important, life-changing, meaningful things that I can control.

• Change goals and adapt. My whole life I've been goal oriented. I write down my goals, assign time-lines and work hard to achieve my objectives. When life changes and goals are interrupted, readapt. I use the SMART goal system to ensure my goals are specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and timely.

Specific - what is one going to do, how is one going to do it and why is it important to do at this time?

Measurable - how long will it take and how will one measure that the goal is being achieved?

Attainable - can one figure out a way to achieve this goal?

Realistic - is the goal too unrealistic to achieve?

Timely - when will one achieve this goal?

• Get away. Sometimes, getting in a car and driving away removes a person from the stress of an uncontrollable life. As the odometer increases, the stress of life decreases; stress doesn't leave, it just takes a vacation. Getting away from the stress offers an opportunity to lower the internal anxiety and gain perspective. Often, returning home brings new understanding of what is important, what you have control over and what needs to change in your life.

Arriving home after a few days in Sun Valley, I am regaining perspective. Integrity intact, I am now ready to tackle new goals and regain control of my life. My wife and I invited my daughter and boyfriend over for dinner, we laughed and it felt good. Things are looking brighter.

Bill Rutherford is a psychotherapist, public speaker, elementary school counselor, adjunct college psychology instructor and executive chef, and owner of Rutherford Education Group. Please email him at [email protected].