My stomach knots as I read, "Sara's mom died this weekend. The secretary has a card for all to sign." My heart feels for Sara's loss. "How can I support Sara? Should I play the role of therapist, coworker or friend? What should I write on the card?" I read other responses while debating my own, "I'm praying for you, sorry for your loss, I'm sorry, thinking of you, wishing you and your family the strength to carry on, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I script a quick, "Sorry for your loss," and close the card with an empty feeling. I know what she is going through!

I struggle when expected to sign cards of grief but understand their purpose. Sending a collective caring note offering pity, empathy and sorrow for one's pain lets the sufferer know their grief is noticed and accepted. The card informs Sara, if she needs to cry in her office, is sad or moody or misses a few days of work, her coworkers understand and she does not have to explain her pain. When Sara's coworkers find her crying they might offer a hug or pat on the back and say "I know," allowing Sara to grieve.

Grieving is personal and individual negating the theory of a "grieving process." Past convention suggests a person passes through five stages of grieving:

1. Denial and isolation - disbelief the loss happened and retreating into ourselves.

2. Anger - displayed toward God, the world or the person who died.

3. Bargaining - with God to return the loss.

4. Depression - sadness and feeling of emptiness.

5. Acceptance - coming to peace with the loss.

I believe no one person grieves the same and offer, "The expected or accepted 5 steps of grieving," might create a feeling of maladjustment and mental deficiency if the person grieving does not follow the expected guideline. Grieving, mourning and bereavement are normal life processes creating clarity of life - of living.

Many individuals experience different emotions when mourning a loss. These emotions might include shock, preoccupation with the crisis surrounding the loss, sorrow, fatigue, denial, depression, withdrawal, relief, shock, anger, guilt, anxiety, resolution and readjustment. Some mourn for years while others mourn only a few months.

Everyone needs to grieve and every individual handles loss differently. Grieving takes time.

• Those who express the strongest grief immediately do not purge their grief more quickly.

• For most people bereavement therapy and self-help groups do little to enhance the healing power of time and supportive friends.

• Grieving spouses who talk often with others or who receive grief counseling adjust no better that those who grieve more privately.

• No amount of talking can eliminate the feeling of being alone and separated from the loved one.

• Terminally ill and bereaved people do not go through predictable stages, such as denial, anger and so forth. Given similar losses, some people grieve hard and long, others more lightly and briefly.

I define grieving as mourning the loss of something important. That something might include a spouse, child, parent or friend, a pet, a marriage, a job, our children leaving home or the loss of life's opportunities.

Mourning the loss of life's opportunities requires explanation. Theorist Erik Erikson contends, as we go through life we travel through psychosocial stages. In each life stage we have a task to do. As an infant our task is to learn to trust or mistrust the people around us. If an infant's basic needs are met they learn to trust. If their needs are not met they learn mistrust.

In late adulthood we reflect on what we've done in our life to determine our self-worth - did we make a difference? During this life retrospection we celebrate if we make of life what life had to offer - if we made a difference, and mourn if our life was not important - if we failed to make a difference. This mourning equates to the loss of one's self.

Mourning the loss of a loved one differs depending on the relationship of the one we love. The funeral of a mother who dies after a fully actualized life is a celebration of the person's life. Although death may be unwelcome, life itself can be affirmed even at death. This is especially true for people who view their lives not with despair but with what Erikson calls a sense of integrity - a feeling that one's life has been meaningful and worthwhile.

I facilitate a group for children who have lost parents or siblings to death. Children deal differently with death than adults. A child in my group didn't cry at her mom's funeral and her grandparents were worried that she didn't understand the finality of death. They wanted their little granddaughter to know that her mom was not coming back home again. After talking with the child, I began to understand her point of view. She understood fully that her mom was in heaven and was never coming home. The little girl just wanted to be strong for her grandparents because she didn't want them to be sad anymore so she cried in private.

Kids are resilient. Children in this group speak openly about their loss and the sadness they feel. They also talk about their future, recent successes and look forward to their future. These kids are not psychologically damaged, they are sad and situationally depressed but working through their normal grieving process - they are healthy.

If we pity and sympathize with kids who suffer loss, their role and character changes. They become waifs and victims instead of strong resilient children. Empathizing allows us to live the life of the grieving child - we view their world as they are seeing it. Sympathizing is pity and empathizing is understanding. Which would you prefer?

This week I had the honor to attend the funeral of a young boy who died a hero. This 8-year-old Love Bug loving, cheek-squeezing, playful Casanova made an indelible, permanent mark on the lives of all who met him. His funeral was a celebration! Everyone at the funeral was sad at the loss of this beautiful boy but celebrate the joy he gave those who knew him. Please checkout Connor's website and give to end the debilitating disorder of epilepsy: http://www.connerlangford.org/.

Bill Rutherford is a psychotherapist, public speaker, elementary school counselor, adjunct college psychology instructor and executive chef, and owner of Rutherford Education Group. Please email him at [email protected] and check out www.foodforthoughtcda.com.