There I was, watching television about a week or so ago, and as usual, I was flipping channels looking for something to suit my fancy.

And as usual, when I see big, bold letters announcing "breaking news" on a channel, I tend to pause and see what all the commotion is about.

It seemed that Lindsay Lohan had violated her probation, and the judge decided to put her behind bars. I thought to myself, maybe the breaking news is upcoming, 'cuz this sure ain't it.

Because, as we all know, Lohan returning to jail is not breaking news. She's been in and out of the slammer more than a dedicated wino with a strong liver.

If she was sober for a year, or followed her probation terms to the letter for that period, that would be breaking news (I'd take the odds that neither of these will ever happen). As the Captain said in "Cool Hand Luke:" "Some people you just can't reach."

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Here's what I'm gettin' at: Television stations tend to plaster their "breaking news" banner across the screen way too often these days. Headline News is the worst of the bunch for abusing the block letters. According to them, there's breaking news about 17 hours out of the day.

And I admit, I am as prone as the next guy to sit and watch actual breaking news. I remember vividly where I was when I watched the coverage of the space shuttle Challenger crash and the hijacked planes doing their damage on 9/11. Everyone soaks in such catastrophies, glued to the TV until they think they have consumed every bit of pertinent information. But I also love to watch coverage of a car chase and any other juicy tidbit of news that breaks.

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So here's my definition of actual "breaking" news: Something that is shocking, that wasn't expected to happen.

I compiled a list of the things I think would truly be breaking news:

• Greece finds $32 billion hidden away under a mattress, gets out of debt

• Rebels and loyalists in many Middle East and North Africa countries run out of bullets, and resort to the "world's largest pillow fight"

• A Boise State cheerleader denies a quarterback's on-field marriage proposal at a BCS bowl game

• The Rolling Stones agree to perform at City Park during the Fourth of July

• LeBron James brings his non-NBA barnstorming tour to North Idaho College's Rolly Williams Court

• Congressmen work together to pass a truly bi-partisan bill instead of worrying about party politics

• Jethro Tull gives back the 1989 Grammy it won for the first "Best Heavy Metal Performance." It's been said before - any band that features a flute doesn't qualify for such an honor.

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And finally, anything that Kate or Jon Gosselin does or doesn't do, for sure, is not breaking news. Hasn't America suffered enough?

When Jerry Hitchcock isn't parked in his La-Z-Boy with remote in hand, he is a copy editor for The Press. He can be reached at 664-8176, Ext. 2017, or via email at [email protected].