I'll share my bias up front. I'm not into diets. Healthy eating, exercise, calorie-watching - sure. Fad diets: Forget about it. Hand me a Reese's. Life's short.

So I couldn't resist the temptation to expand on some research my teenager did for health class. Granted, I chose these to amuse more than inform, skipping the more mainstream like Atkins and South Beach. Yet astonishingly, someone took these seriously enough to invent:

* Cigarette diet. Simple. Smoke when hungry. Never mind the heart and lungs.

* Baby food diet. Fourteen jars daily; nutrition on the run. Pears and apples aren't bad, but ground sticky chicken? Shudder. WebMD.com says you'll still be hungry and lacking in adult vitamins.

* Jesus diet. Actually it's the "What would Jesus eat?" diet. No I'm not kidding, and yes, it means what he would have eaten back then. Author Don Colbert, M.D., claims Jesus would have eaten a Mediterranean diet which, despite the unusual title, has been shown in independent studies to be very healthy. WWJE? Fish, olives, and fresh veggies.

* Tapeworm diet. People actually ingest live tapeworms (without the rare-cooked meat) to lose weight. They eat your food for you, nutritious or not. So what if they can be lethal?

* Sleeping Beauty diet. For those with zero responsibilities or self-control. Sleep 20 hours (drugged if necessary) so you don't eat. Elvis Presley loved it. Enough said.

* Lemonade diet. A.K.A., the lemonade cleanse. No food. Drink a disgusting mix of lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper; chase with a laxative tea before bed. Driving is likely a bad idea, and expect to pass out.

Finally, my favorite: the amputation diet. No, it's not a gore fest. Think small and short-lived; finger and toe nail clipping, haircut, enema, and a sweaty triathlon. Each ounce adds up (to not much).

Thanks to Mr. Childs at Charter Academy for the dubious inspiration. Now where did I hide that chocolate?

Sholeh Patrick, happy with a little cellulite, is an attorney and columnist for the Hagadone News Network. Email sholehjo@hotmail.com