"When Black Friday comes

I'll stand down by the door

And catch the gray men when they

Dive from the fourteenth floor"

- Steely Dan, 1975

If you're reading this, you're probably not waiting in line at one of the many early Christmas shopping offerings on this supposed first day of the "season."

You're probably not freezing to death, stamping your feet, chattering your teeth and rubbing your thighs together to keep from losing feeling in search of this year's Tickle Me Elmo.

And while Donald Fagen and Walter Becker were not referring to the experience of shopping when they coined their "Black Friday" release decades ago (man, feeling very old all of a sudden), the "gray men" part does apply. All the big box retailers (as well as the mom-and-pop shops) would definitely settle for a Dark Gray Friday this season.

Times are tough, we all know that. Money is not flying out of wallets like in the decades since The Dan lyrics rang out of the "Katy Lied" album. But shoppers always seem to muster up enough scratch (or at least credit) to do some damage and make the gray-suit clad corporate bean counters turn their collective frowns upside down, at least for one day.

I am sure the deals this year are worth waiting for, sipping hot chocolate and singing "Let it snow" to yourself or within your shopping posse to keep your mind off the frostbite before the doors open.

Myself, I haven't found anything yet in all my adult Black Fridays that I thought was such a good deal I just had to wake up at 3 a.m., throw on seven layers head to toe and make a break for the downtown shopping hub.

Maybe I have everything I want, or maybe I just don't know exactly what I need. Either way, don't expect to see me holding down spot No. 234 in line at (insert retailer here - I'm not getting paid to endorse any. I can't be bought, so there!).

"When Black Friday comes

I'll collect everything I'm owed

And before my friends find out

I'll be on the road"

Yep, the bean counters will be salivating over the projections and collections, and in early December we will see just how well they did profit-wise on the day after Turkey Day.

"When Black Friday comes

I'll fly down to Muswellbrook

Gonna strike all the big red words

From my little black book"

And while the beanies probably won't collect all their are owed today, they'll get their share, and the expected black ink will make the stockholders breathe a little sigh of relief, at least for this quarter.

"Gonna do just what I please

Gonna wear no socks and shoes

With nothing to do but feed

All the kangaroos"

Sorry, Donald, I'm fresh out of kangaroos, but I'll toss a kibble or two to the dog while I watch some sports on television today, thinking of the brave souls that saved a few bucks by suffering the pre-dawn chill.

"When Black Friday comes

I'm gonna dig myself a hole

Gonna lay down in it 'til

I satisfy my soul"

Now you got the idea, Donald. The hole I'm digging will be into the sofa, and knowing I'm toasty and warm (with plenty of turkey in my belly) will definitely satisfy this old soul.

Happy shopping!

Jerry Hitchcock is not quite a scrooge, but he is a copy editor for The Press. He can be reached at 664-8176, Ext. 2017, or via email at [email protected].