Life is an onslaught of situations to control, Ed Gray knows, for a parent of a child with special needs.

Raising his son, Cody, required grappling with public schools to accommodate the boy's autism. Ed and his wife, Kathy, tailored activities to suit Cody's need for routine, and they didn't dare leave him without a sitter even in his teenage years.

"For years, we didn't go to movies or dinner," the Coeur d'Alene father remembered. "It was such a struggle."

So as Cody approached adulthood, a significant question loomed: What now?

Every young man craves independence, but Cody wasn't capable of taking care of himself. Yet the prospect of putting him in a staffed facility was unsettling.

"We didn't want him dumped somewhere and then just go through life," Ed said.

Other families with autistic children coming of age, like Liz and Gerard Mathes, faced the same dilemma.

"There's the same fear of every parent, 'What happens when I'm gone?'" Liz said.

On Thursday morning, Liz and Ed were sitting in the answer the two families created themselves. A group home for autistic young adults in Coeur d'Alene that opened six months ago, staffed by a nonprofit out of Moscow.

It's everything they wanted, the parents agree, that wasn't available otherwise.

The modest Coeur d'Alene house is sparkling clean, and comfortable. The walls are hung with visual aids tracking the three inhabitants' routines and activities. Toys are tidily stowed on a shelf in the activity room, and an impressive garden and trampoline spruce up the backyard.

The handful of staff, who teach the men about self care and assist in mundane activities, accompany the boys on outings and engage them in activities at home.

A fire helmet still sits out, a souvenir from when Cody toured a fire truck. Alex's tools for cutting paper for the local library are set out neatly.

In the six months their sons have lived here, Liz said, Alex has thrived.

"It's hard as parents. You don't know if they're ready," she said. "But he was. This is his home, now."

This one home for three boys took years to manifest.

Ed was the first to take his concerns to other parents of autistic children, who agreed there are few living options available for adults with autism.

They rejected most facilities they toured, which weren't set up for autistic residents, or were just too institutional.

The group was eventually advised to contact Milestone Decisions, Inc. in Moscow. The nonprofit had a similar story, comprised of families of special needs individuals, who had successfully created staffed residences for such individuals to live comfortably.

"They had gone through all the trials and tribulations we would have to go through," Ed noted. "Why not just ask them to expand out here?"

It was an easy agreement for the nonprofit to make, said Administrator Cliff McAleer.

"It really is part of our mission," McAleer said. "It was just a good partnership. We made a commitment, and we felt it was well worth the time and effort."

There were hiccups along the way.

The nonprofit and group of families looked into creating a Medicaid Intermediate Care Facility, but that was tossed when Medicaid changed some of its policies. Other families dropped out of the project, until only the Matheses and the Grays remained.

"Ed sparked it then, 'Let's do it ourselves,'" Liz said.

They really did. Ed, a real estate agent, tracked down a fixer-upper of a home last August that the two families purchased for $130,000.

Then he and Gerard, a music teacher at North Idaho College, renovated the abode. They transformed the garage into a hard-wood activity room, installed drywall, put in a second bathroom and improved the three bedrooms.

"It seems like every time we turned around, there was something else to do," Ed said.

Milestone Decisions provided staff, and Cody, 19, and Alex, 21, moved in around the first of this year. A third young man with autism recently joined the home.

Ed has been amazed by his son's transformation since then, he said.

Cody has bonded with the staff, paid by Medicaid. He does his puzzles and watches movies, and hasn't had issues going out to concerts or car shows.

"He's doing things we never had time to do with him," Ed said. "When you work full-time, even a normal teenager is hard to keep occupied."

And unlike at many facilities, Ed added, families can drop by freely for barbecues, movie nights and just to chat.

"It's really like three buddies living together," he said.

Ed wants other autistic individuals to have the same chance, to live with relative independence.

"Our goal is to increase these types of facilities in the Coeur d'Alene area, because the need for people with autism is increasing constantly," he said.

Medicaid changes have created some obstacles for that, McAleer said. But there are still other options, he said, and he encourages interested families to contact Milestone at 883-8262.

Late Thursday morning, Alex and Cody popped back into the house after an outing. They stopped in the activity room to squeal delighted greetings to their parents, then were ushered off by the staff to other activities.

There's a little bit of grief when a child moves out, Liz acknowledged.

But there's a reason the families picked a home nearby, she said.

"I can always come see him," she said.