When's the last time you actually witnessed a partridge in a pear tree?

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I grew up singing Christmas carols as much as the next freckle-faced grade-school boy, and "The Twelve Days Of Christmas" always left me wondering what true love actually tracked down and paid for all those "gifts."

Little did I know all these years later, someone would literally try to nail down the cost of a dozen, lavish holiday offerings.

A recent Associated Press article caught my eye, and I can relay the rundown of giving someone a few things they surely don't have.

According to a study by the PNC Financial Services Group (which audits jewelry stores, dance companies, pet stores, etc. to gather their information), here's what being the biggest giver of all will cost you this season:

• Partridge ($15), Pear tree ($189.99)

• Two turtle doves ($125)

• Three French Hens ($165)

• Four calling birds ($519.96)

• Five gold rings ($750)

• Six geese-a-laying ($210)

• Seven swans-a-swimming ($7,000)

• Eight maids-a-milking ($58)

• Nine ladies dancing ($6,294)

• 10 lords a-leaping ($4,767)

• 11 pipers piping ($2,562)

• 12 drummers drumming ($2,776)

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Now, a few things become apparent from this list:

First off, the frugal will go for the maids a-milking, since they are a steal at $58, and actually produce a product. I take it the cows are free?

Secondly, You can get two turtle doves and three French hens for $290, and then with all that commotion, maybe the object of your desire won't notice you were too cheap for the calling birds.

Lords a-leaping? We all know white men can't jump ... maybe that is why they are costly - a lot of hypnosis (You're getting sleepy... now, you can jump to the moon!).

A partridge for $15? It's probably the red-headed one that played Danny...

Pipers piping? They must be well hidden, probably an underground thing... let me know if you ever spot one.

I guess if you're a swan or a dancer, you're set for life, as you're easily raking in hundreds per performance. I don't have the neck and feathers for the former, but maybe I could shake my tail feathers like the latter and pass the hat.

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In reality, I was always drawn to the version created by the lovable McKenzie Brothers of "Strange Brew" fame. You know - those fun-loving Canadians who sing the virtues of beer, doughnuts and cold weather gear.

Their dozen days of Christmas are well within most people's budget (especially since they couldn't keep up with the soundtrack and only came up with eight presents):

"On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me ... eight comic books,

seven packs of smokes,

six packs of two-four (Canadian for 24-beer box),

five golden touques!

four pounds of backbacon,

three french toast,

two turtlenecks.

and a beer ... in a tree!"

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That Christmas offering would probably set you back a few hundred, not breaking the holiday bank, by any means.

But hey, spend to your heart's content. Nothing is too good for the one you love. And God knows, you'll be doing the local economy a favor.

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Enjoy the big day, and save me a juicy pear off the tree if you think of it.

Jerry Hitchcock, a copy editor for The Press, no longer belts out Christmas carols - at least when anyone is within earshot. He can be reached at 664-8176, Ext. 2017, or via email at [email protected].