My New Year's resolution? Keeping quiet
Tom Hasslinger | Hagadone News Network | UPDATED 11 years, 10 months AGO
I somehow signed up for Ironman, but finishing the race isn't one of my New Year's goals.
In fact, not finishing would be a better goal because that way I would learn a lesson about flapping my gums after a few beers, which is how I signed up.
I said to a friend last race day: "We could do that."
Then he signed up. It's clear he doesn't understand how beer talk works.
I have an old 10-speed bike with funny looking handle bars and leaky tires. It spends a lot of time behind my recliner.
Every other time I ride it I have to fill its tires at the gas station. It costs a dollar in quarters each time, so I'm already in the hole. It's the same gas station where I bought the beer that loosened my tongue at last year's race, so I kind of hate the gas station, plus, whoever has quarters?
Ironman is a popular race, though.
The field fills up quickly every year, right after race day as a matter of fact.
So when this year's field filled up and I hadn't signed up I thought I was in the clear. That's how beer talk works, anyway. But my friend was already training, and I felt bad. I have a huge Christian heart, except for the beer drinking part, which got me into this mess, so really the devil is to blame, but I called a friend of a friend to get me in.
"Start training," the friend said.
I didn't want to hear that. It boggles my mind that nobody understands how beer talk works.
Ironman is expensive, too.
But I refuse to spend money on top-end training gear. That's because it's both expensive and ridiculous-looking. I'll take one of my dad's old fanny packs and carry around a lot of quarters, but that's it. I'll probably go to a car wash right before race day and change out my dollars, but that's really it.
Some of my friends have done Ironman, and they want to help me.
They're proud they did it, they tell me. They didn't have to tell me, though they did, because I saw their Ironman insignia tattoos beforehand.
"Can you still drink beer while you train?" I asked one.
"Yes," he said, even though we were actually talking about whole foods. But I figured beer played a part in the tattoo, which is why I asked.
Even if I wake up to start the swim in time, finishing is not a top 2013 goal. I have other New Year's goals, like understanding how to keep my mouth closed.
I swim off Independence Point every day in the summer and autumn, anyway.
When you're not racing you can really take in the beauty, catching sight of the tree line in the hills as you pull your head for breath. In the fall, the water is crystal clear, the best time. I lost my favorite cowboy hat to high winds near Independence Point, and every fall I keep my eyes open and scan the lake's bottom for any trace. In the summer, when you pull your head out, it goes from silence to children laughing, then back under and silent again.
So if I'm not a good enough Ironman swimmer, well, I'll cut my losses. I still miss that hat though, but I figure if I had to lose it, there was no better place for it to be.
If I can get to the run, I'm not worried, it'll be like playing with house money. I'd even allow myself to hitchhike. The bike ride? I'm only worried about getting sore from sitting so long, especially with the weight of so many quarters.
I promise if I finish Ironman I'll never talk about it again. It can be annoying for people to hear, even over beers. And almost everything is interesting over beers, which is why I won't rule out a tattoo.
Tom Hasslinger is the city reporter at The Coeur d'Alene Press. He can be reached at 664-8176 ext. 2010 or by email at thasslinger@cdapress.com.