When our children act out or misbehave we wonder, "Is my child normal, do other children act this way, am I a bad parent?" The answer is usually yes, your child is normal and no, you are not a bad parent. All children act out, scream, yell, misbehave and embarrass their parent - it's their job.

The question one might ask is, "What do I do when my child acts differently than other children?" This question is difficult to answer because all kids are individual and the answer is often multifaceted. Many blame the parent creating unwarranted guilt or the child who, "should know better."

When a mother determines her child is different, her world changes. She tends to blame society, a divorce, working too many hours, not spending quality time with the child or not nurturing enough. Blaming creates family dysfunction and resolves nothing. Resolution is the answer.

Continual and repeatedly acting out often turns into an emotionally explosive child. When a child becomes explosive, the family needs help. All kids throw temper tantrums, cry, stomp their feet and scream mean, hurtful things. This is normal when done periodically and sporadically.

When a child throws a tantrum, he is developmentally learning his place in the world. Through his rage, he is trying techniques to examine what is appropriate and what will get him punished. Punishment will extinguish behavior and reward will reinforce behavior.

When a child becomes so angry and out of control that he cannot be calmed, the child is emotionally explosive.

When a child has uncontrolled or inappropriate explosions we need to ask ourselves three questions:

1. Is there a biological issue at hand?

2. Is he exploding to seek attention?

3. Is he exploding to gain power or control?

The answer to these questions tells me as a therapist what to do. First, we need to rule out biological issues. Have your child fully assessed by a medical doctor. The assessments will aid in determining if the child has an organic disorder such as food allergies, hormonal issues, heart and respiratory issues or if he might have depression, anxiety or autism.

If a child is seeking attention, we need to tell the kid to stop, never negotiate, set rules and stick with them - always. It is paramount the parent void emotion when setting rules or guidelines. Always hold true to consequences and never waiver. The child will eventually learn that negative attention is not good.

At the same time, we need to praise positive behavior and teach that positive behavior gains more rewards than negative behavior. Children crave positive adult interaction. Playing a game, going for ice cream or eating dinner together will reward the child and is fun for the adult. Reward always works better than punishment.

Is the action to gain power? This is the toughest and most serious issue. If a child feels powerless and feels the need to explode to gain power, the parent has huge changes to make.

If a child feels powerless, it is usually due to an authoritative parenting style or the parent's discipline system. When a parent severely disciplines with force or overly controls the child, the child feels powerless. If a child feels powerless, he explodes on the people who control him to regain power. They also explode on the people who support and are kind to them because the child's immature brain struggles to separate the two.

Children also feel powerless when parenting is inconsistent or too lenient. The role of an effective parent is to have achievable family rules for children to follow, to praise the child when he follows the rules and discipline the child when he breaks a family rule. Children need to have an orderly and predictable life to be successful.

The long-term negative effect of explosive power seekers is the development of coping mechanisms to regain control of their life. These coping mechanisms often develop into psychological personality disorders such as antisocial personality disorder and borderline personality disorder - serious stuff.

Try do discover why your child is exploding. If it is happening infrequently, your kid is probably just being a kid and pushing limits. Be consistent when you praise and discipline and your child's explosions will probably abate. If your child is exploding weekly or daily, think deeply about the reason this is happening and ask teachers, family and friends what they think. The answers might surprise you.

The book, "The Explosive Child," by Ross Greene helps struggling parents find tools to aid explosive kids. An explosive child brings chaos and dysfunction to a family. Waiting for things to change only reinforces the behavior therefore, making it more difficult to stop. Finding help immediately will possibly save your family. Good luck!

Bill Rutherford is a psychotherapist, public speaker, elementary school counselor, adjunct college psychology instructor and executive chef, and owner of Rutherford Education Group. Please email him at bprutherford@hotmail.com.