Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me - or will they? Pontificating platitudes and putdowns have the ability to injure even when benign, sarcastic or offered thoughtlessly in casual conversation.

When told "change is good," the receiver wonders, if I don't agree with this change do I know what is good for me? If a friend scolds, "Life isn't fair, get used to it," is one weak and should he buck-up and accept the reality of an unfair life? When offered, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger," the person hearing this platitude should be thankful to be alive and might struggle finding strength in what didn't end their life.

Platitudes are a manipulating, degrading means of putting others down while building up the author. I view platitudes as being a flat, dull, patronizing or trite remarks uttered as if they were fresh, insightful and profound. Platitudes are often cliche and spoken without much thought or care for another's feelings.

Platitudes and putdowns can be damaging psychologically. In his book, "Sticks and Stones - Hurtful Words Damage the Brain," R. Douglas Fields examines the effect negative words have on the maturing brain. Fields writes, "Taunting and other verbal abuse experienced by middle school children from their peers was not thought to leave a structural imprint on the developing brain, but now we know it does. Young adults, ages 18-25, with no history of exposure to domestic violence, sexual abuse, or parental physical abuse, were asked to rate their childhood exposure to parental and peer verbal abuse when they were children and then were given a brain scan. The results revealed those individuals who reported experiencing verbal abuse from their peers during middle school years had underdeveloped connections between the left and right sides of their brain through the massive bundle of connecting fibers called the corpus callosum. Psychological tests given to all subjects in the study show that this same group of individuals has higher levels of anxiety."

Words hurt. Often, when one utters platitudes and the person told the words reacts negatively, the original messenger controls the receiver by denying the receiver's emotions. The speaker discounts the receiver's feelings or offers demeaning platitudes such as, "Can't you take a joke? You're too sensitive. Don't you have a sense of humor?" Often the receiver uncomfortably laughs while hurting internally at the expense of her self-worth. Seldom will the target of unwarranted platitudes assert herself and demand respect from the subject of abuse. The reciprocator accepts the hurtful words as fact and becomes the platitude.

Often a person uses platitudes without thinking of the result. I offer the following platitudes and my interpretation of the hurtful message:

Change is good. Change is good for the person instituting change and a struggle for those forced to adapt to the change. If I'm forced to leave a job I love, I hate the change while the person executing the change justifies the move as necessary or needed.

The Golden Rule - do onto others, as you would have them do onto you. I personally do not want others to treat me as helpless or needy. I do not want to be nurtured or fawned over and I wish my autonomy. Others might believe I require nurturing when I wish to be left alone. Some may need a hug or person to talk to when feeling down but not me. I wish to be left alone. I may not wish to be treated as others wish to be treated.

Put on your big girl panties and just do it. I've been told this more than once. First: I'm not a big girl nor do I wish to be one and secondly, I don't wear panties. Being told I'm not an adult if I do not do as one wishes is condescending and disrespectful.

All good things must come to an end. A great marriage, a rewarding life, a purposeful life, a great job, raising great kids and a rewarding career do not need to end. Good things can continue. Believing life results in failure and unhappiness is defeatist and creates negative thinking.

Everyone needs to grow up sometime! I suggest we all become more kid-like. Play, swing, roll in the grass and laugh. Being childish is a great thing. Being told not to have fun is ridiculous and often told by individuals who are too serious and struggle to find joy in life.

Good things come to those who wait. I disagree. Good things come to those who work hard to make good things happen.

Don't take it personally, its just business. Business is personal. The money I make, the work I do and the business I keep is who I am. My work has meaning and reflects who I am as a person. Stating, "Its just business," disregards my work as unimportant. Business is not a game. Business is a deeply personal activity that I have trained for years to perfect and is who I am. I am what I do.

If I don't take care of myself, I can't take care of anyone else. This platitude bugs me more than any listed above. This statement makes the author's feelings and emotions more important than his children's, friend's, family and God. Often, a person makes this statement as a self-indulgent, selfish and lazy expression of his true belief of anti-altruism. Being an active and productive member of society, family, work and country requires a person to think of the collective whole before one thinks of his or her own personal comfort.

I offer the following for the reader to explore. Do you believe in the platitudes offered or might the cliche be words without meaning or possibly hurtful? You decide.

Time heals all wounds.

If you're not for me, you're against me.

The KISS method (Keep It Simple Stupid).

Survival of the fittest.

The meek shall inherit the earth.

If you're not winning you're losing.

Be a team player.

I have to think of myself first.

Good times come with prices.

Don't hate the player, hate the game.

Nice guys finish last.

It's not like that in the real world.

Bill Rutherford is a elementary school principal, psychotherapist, executive chef and owner of Rutherford Education Group. Please email him at brutherford@cdaschools.org.