When did bullying become such a problem it needed legislation? Perhaps the same day incivility became acceptable as "normal." Once upon a time we could dislike or disagree without losing control and acting out like a toddler (worse than many toddlers, I dare say). There was a time when consideration, self-control, and the realization that we are no more or less valuable than the next person was so ingrained in each of us. What was then rude is now hardly noticed.

"Rude" isn't just an issue for Miss Manners; it can be dangerous. Courtesy starts in thought and ends in violence; incivility covers everything from name-calling to school and office shootings. Put simply, it's about respect.

Some high school officials were quoted in the Sunday Press with an apparent belief that bullying is not a problem. Others say it is occasionally, but there are policies in place to address it. Indeed there are, although awareness programs seem to focus in middle school. The pending state bill would require teachers to be trained to recognize bullying behavior and intervene. That will undoubtedly help, but is it enough, and does it address the root of the problem?

Earlier this month I was one of five panelists who conducted individual interviews of 22 very impressive high school girls for the Distinguished Young Women program in Post Falls (f.k.a. Junior Miss). Most are PFHS students. Their answers to one open-ended question shocked the entire panel.

One panelist asked them, "What is the biggest problem facing teenagers today?" With the exception of the Charter Academy student (who answered, "plagiarism"), the others answered, "Bullying."

Bullying? Not drugs, pressure for sex, academic challenges, money for college, but bullying? Even the police officer among us was surprised that the answer from so many different, high-achieving, presentable young ladies was the same. They hesitated and felt shy answering other questions, but not this one. Responses were resounding, immediate, and resolute. They said it's in schools (and that school officials try to help), on Facebook, and texting, although generally from kids they know at school. They said it's rarely reported for fear of retaliation; no wonder school officials aren't aware of the magnitude, perceived or otherwise.

So as I thought about it that night, an idea occurred: What about an ombudsman? Some big companies offer neutral ombudsmen for confidential reporting of harassment, discrimination or other problems. They're often outside, trained contractors and have a separate phone number. This addresses fear of retaliation and offers a trained response and chain of communication, a mediator of sorts who maintains the victim's anonymity when requested.

A little research proved that my idea isn't new, nor is the bullying problem. School boards elsewhere have caught the ombudsman bug. Just this month a district in Laramie, Wyo., announced the hiring of an independent contractor ombudsman to confidentially receive and resolve bullying complaints. Montgomery County schools in Maryland have one already, for bullying or any other "school-related" problem. Theirs is for anyone - students, staff, and community. Reporting is confidential. The ombudsman has access to records, is beholden to no one, and school/district cooperation is required.

If the fear is that reporting will make the bullying get worse, this confidential option may help. Civility is a larger problem, and about mutual expectations. There seems to be some leftover code of politeness to "grandma" and her generation, but less courtesy toward anyone younger. That goes for grown-ups no less than youngsters; the pervasiveness of rudeness and anger in politics and popularity of what's dubiously called "reality TV" give evidence. As one DYW candidate said, "People need to care about each other more."

We do want that change. Dr. Forni's Civility Project - a national effort begun in 1997 - didn't get the hoped-for momentum. After only three members of Congress signed a civility pledge originated by CivilityProject.org, its founder ended the effort.

Nevertheless, survey after survey shows Americans are fed up with finger-pointing and incivility. A 2011 Weber-Shandwick poll found two-thirds of Americans believe incivility is a major problem and 80 percent believe it's wrong to be uncivil, even if you think you're right. Seventy-two percent tune out politics because of it.

We Americans are very proud of our democratic system, but if common behavior (of voters, commentators, and candidates) is driving us out of participating, the system becomes wholly ineffective. Perhaps these girls, these Distinguished Young Women, will help provide a larger wake-up call for society overall. Oppressors come not only from outside; we must re-create and maintain a safe and open forum of free expression for all - not only for those with whom we agree or can control.

"Etiquette rules free us. They create order and prevent chaos. And they provide a forum for skepticism and dissent." - Columnist and manners consultant Mary Mitchell.

Sholeh Patrick is a columnist for the Hagadone News Network. Email sholehjo@hotmail.com