The toughest part for 24-year-old Jessica McMillan has been what it's done to her as a mother.

Tougher than undergoing three different rounds of chemotherapy, absorbing the harsh looks from strangers after her hair fell out or even watching friendships slip away as she shielded herself from the rest of the world.

Far worse, is that Jessica can't go to the park. Or push a swing. Or whip up a quick meal.

"I can't even cook her dinner," Jessica, diagnosed with lymphoma three years ago, said about her 4-year-old daughter Gabrielle. "It's the hardest thing I've gone through this far."

While Jessica has been fighting the disease since being diagnosed in April of 2010, only recently did she develop neuropathy, which has frayed the feeling in her hands, arms, legs and feet.

Now, even picking up her daughter is becoming impossible.

"At 24 years old, where you should be independent and kind of figuring out where you are in life, I'm pretty much relying on every single person around me to pick me up from the couch," she said.

There are times, she said, she just wants to throw her hands up. There are days she can't even talk about it.

"Give me one day," she'll tell her mother, Kerry Mellen, then. "Just give me one day where I don't have cancer."

Those ones can be the toughest for the Hayden family.

"As a parent, you just don't want to see your child suffer." said Mellen, who lost a sister to cancer. "It's worse than if it was yourself."

Those can be the days when Jessica's husband of five years, Pat McMillan, wants to take the disease most and put it in himself, like a compromise.

"I wish I could take it all," he said. "It just pains me to see her missing out on life."

But Jessica, a 2006 Coeur d'Alene High School graduate, pushes through. She's managing, she said, because she has to. She'll do whatever it takes to live for her daughter.

Yes, she wants to throw her hands up sometimes and there are times, she said, "you sit there and think, what did I do to deserve this?" But she's pushing forward, too.

"It's just a mix of emotions," she said. "At the same time, I'm actually thankful I've got to experience some stuff a lot of people my age haven't. I kind of grew up fast. I had to grow up fast when I had a daughter ... But you just don't take things for granted as often."

Doctors in Seattle have found 11 potential matches for a bone marrow transplant. If one is secured, Jessica could head to western Washington by January. Doctors have told her there is a 50 percent chance the transplant would work. There's always a chance for complications, but in three years, Jessica has had remissions, only to see the disease return. She's fought every step of the way, and the odds don't scare her a bit.

"I think everything is 50-50," she said. "It either works or it doesn't."

Jessica could spend up to four months in Seattle. Insurance won't cover their living costs, as she would stay in housing outside of the hospital after the procedure. The family estimates it would cost around $2,000 to live there, and is hosting a spaghetti dinner and silent auction to raise money for the trip.

The family is still accepting donations, and auction items include art pieces and ski packages. It will be from 4 to 8 p.m. Saturday, Dec. 1 at the Shrine Club building in Hayden, which is being donated to host the event, 1250 W. Lancaster Road in Hayden. Personal donations can be mailed to Jessica's Donation Fund, payable to Karan Mellen or Global Credit Union, PO Box 2034, Hayden, ID 83835.

The family is staying strong through the fight, they said.

"I'm trying to be positive through this whole experience," Jessica said. "But in the back of your mind it's always there."

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