When things got bad, Aida Zeff said, she and her oldest son used hand signals to keep safe.

As she pulled into the driveway coming home from work, her son, now 13, would signal the mood her husband was in.

Calm. Angry. Rampage.

"He'd give the hand signal to what I was walking into, to prepare ourselves," the Hayden woman said. "There was a lot of fear."

Zeff's marriage of 15 years escalated so gradually into verbal and emotional abuse, she said, she never questioned if it wasn't a normal marriage's trajectory.

She assumed it was all true when her husband screamed she was dumb, that she would be homeless if he left, that he could easily take her children away.

Lying awake after crying at night, Zeff would repeat in her mind, "God, if you need me to stay another 15 years, I will. If you need me to leave, I need a sign."

Her moment of clarity came last July, she said, when she was flipping through a filing cabinet in the house and saw an unfamiliar file.

It was titled, "Guns."

"He had never had an interest in guns," Zeff said. "That's when I knew, this thing is shifting. Something is happening."

Zeff still lives in the same home in Hayden, only now she is divorced and lives alone with her two sons, who she happily supports herself. Her ex is out of the state, her family protected by a protection order.

Zeff attributes her safety to the help of family, friends and the North Idaho Violence Prevention Center. She has cobbled her self esteem again, she said, thanks to Abuse Recovery Ministry and Service (ARMS), a faith-based nonprofit that supports domestic violence victims.

Her story isn't uncommon in Kootenai County. With October being Domestic Violence Awareness month, Zeff was eager to both share her history and prod other women to seek out resources they need.

"You'll know the moment when you can no longer deal with that," she advised to anyone in abusive relationships. "Sometimes you do need those signs."

Staff at the North Idaho Violence Prevention Center initially helped Zeff out of danger, she said, advising her to leave with her children and all necessary documents. Zeff spent an anxiety-ridden period locked away in a remote cabin, friends and coworkers supporting her while she awaited the courts to help her.

A different support would follow this year, when Zeff summoned the courage to dial the number on an ARMS flyer. She attended an ARMS education group tailored for women like her, fresh out of abusive relationships.

"You're able to walk into a room and there are eight to 10 women sitting at the same table with you, and they can actually see just by your mannerisms, your body language, if you're going to fall apart right there," Zeff said, adding that has regularly attended ARMS classes for months. "They're there to catch you."

At the classes she shared her history, explored her faith, deconstructed the self-deprecating programming her husband had inculcated.

She has become her own person, she said.

"I used to be emotionally like Velcro. Anything anybody would do to me, voom, I'd go to the depths of crying," she said. "Now I say, 'No. I'm of value, I need to be respected.'"

Domestic violence is prevalent in North Idaho, said Ginger Johnson, associate director of the ARMS branch for Eastern Washington and North Idaho.

"Police officers I've been speaking to say domestic violence is still the No. 1 call they receive," she said.

ARMS, which provides programs for victims of abuse, is trying to battle that by building its resources in the area, Johnson said. The nonprofit offers young women's programs on building healthy relationships, and it runs four education groups in the Coeur d'Alene and Rathdrum area that focus on anger, boundaries, safety planning.

"Things that women who have been through abusive relationships are dealing with," Johnson said, adding that the goal is to prevent women from falling back into abuse. "Their self esteem and dream for life has been really destroyed. We try to help them rebuild that, and find out what they feel they can do."

The nonprofit is also offering domestic violence and abuse training from 9:30 a.m. to noon on Friday, Nov. 2 at New Life Church at 6068 W. Hayden Ave. in Rathdrum.

The group is always open to more volunteers, Johnson said. And participants.

Those interested can call: (509) 484-0600.

Ruthanne McKahan pointed out another advantage of ARMS: Its education groups clarify Bible passages commonly interpreted to condone abuse.

Important for McKahan, whose ex-husband and abuser was a minister.

"I thought if I married a minister, I'd be OK," said McKahan, whose former marriage was in a different state.

The abuse went beyond the condescending church sermons McKahan knew were targeted at her. Her then husband was prone to throwing objects at McKahan and her two daughters, threatening to suffocate them, limiting McKahan's access to money and driving.

He justified his behavior with bible passages and sermon quotes, she said, adding that she hears similar stories from other women.

"It's showing up in North Idaho more than you think," McKahan said. "It's our conservative churches. Maybe it's all our churches."

Escaping the marriage wasn't easy, she said, as much of the community, police officers included, went to their church. After the local sheriff and friends finally helped her flee, McKahan moved to North Idaho in 2006.

Recovering from the 20-year marriage was an odyssey in itself, she said. She leaned spiritually on similarly abused women in ARMS classes, after which she admitted tears come easily.

She's more confident now, has regained her faith. She is married to a supportive husband, and she teaches teen groups on healthy relationships.

Rebuilding a sense of self is just as important as escaping abuse, McKahan said.

"Don't give up if it's hard," she said. "The best revenge to abuse is to live the best life you can."

How to help

For more information about help for domestic violence victims, or to volunteer, call the North Idaho Violence Prevention Center at (208) 664-9303

• Or call Abuse Recovery Ministry and Services (ARMS) at 509-484-0600

• ARMS is holding an abuse training session from 9:30 a.m - noon on Nov. 2 at New Life Church in Rathdrum