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Stuck between The Rock and a raptor

Tyler Wilson | Hagadone News Network | UPDATED 12 years, 8 months AGO
by Tyler Wilson
| April 12, 2013 9:00 PM

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson has been taking a beating in 2013... as in a physical, punch-to-the-face kind of beating.

His movies have made money, but at what cost to The Rock brand?

His first movie of 2013, "Snitch," saw Johnson playing a mild-mannered business owner who gets entangled with the Mexican drug cartel. Sure, he looks like a tough guy, what with his massive neck hulking out of those button-up shirts, but every street hooligan he encounters beats the pulp out of him. Talk about playing against type.

"G.I. Joe Retaliation" triggers The Rock back into butt-kicking mode, though his character gets knocked around quite a bit before he starts throwing fists and bullets (sometimes simultaneously) at a constant rate in the final act. It's the kind of brute force role The Rock should be playing, but the character is lifeless and, oh yeah, the movie itself is absolutely awful.

To top it off, The Rock just lost to John Cena at last weekend's Wrestlemania event. And as we all know, professional wrestling is completely real and not at all meticulously scripted months in advance.

Luckily, The Rock has a chance to kick more butts with two additional movies this spring: "Pain & Gain" and "Fast & Furious 6." However you feel about Michael Bay movies and fifth sequels, we all should be rooting for a Rock resurgence.

He's our only hope for the modern day action star.

The Rock is rarely used effectively in movies. His family-centric movies like "The Tooth Fairy" and "Race to Witch Mountain" don't let him crack enough skulls, and many of his action movies ("Faster," "Doom") lack the wit and banter he could be bringing to what has become an all-too-serious genre. Why are action movies so dreary these days? Even Batman can't have a tights-wearing sidekick anymore.

Really, only "The Rundown" and "Fast Five" have used The Rock properly, and time is running out in making him the next generation Arnold Schwarzenegger. "G.I. Joe Retaliation" is a major step in the wrong direction.

The sloppiness of the latest "G.I. Joe" is even more apparent in the face of a great action blockbuster like "Jurassic Park," which just returned to theaters in 3D for its 20th anniversary. A true thrill ride from start to finish, "Jurassic Park" still delivers the goods after all these years and many, many repeat viewings. Sure, it was made by a masterful filmmaker in Steven Spielberg, but that's no reason audiences shouldn't expect the same level of craft in newer big budget spectacles.

While the rerelease of "Jurassic Park" will help to purge the disease of "G.I. Joe" off the face of the planet, the comparison brings about an interesting opportunity.

Universal has announced a fourth "Jurassic Park" movie for release as soon as 2014. It's a ridiculous and unnecessary cash grab, as most sequels are, so why not take it in a new direction?

Cast The Rock as a wise-cracking mercenary trapped on Dinosaur Island. Give him a cute sidekick and some mouthy little rascals to protect and let him loose on all those clever girls. See how a Velociraptor likes a People's Elbow straight to the jaw.

The Rock obviously enjoys hopping into established franchises ("Fast Five," "Journey 2" and "G.I. Joe"). He could be the new Jeff Goldblum of the franchise, if instead of talking about Chaos Theory, The Rock unleashes chaos on the back of a charging Triceratops.

As sacred as "Jurassic Park" is, the two sequels that followed didn't exactly live up to the standard set by the original. Casting The Rock and giving him all the funny lines would at least reestablish the tone set forth in "The Rundown," an underrated romp that should be the model for how to keep the action genre alive in this age of superheroes and whimpering vampires.

Some playful banter, a decent plot and a few Man vs. Dinosaur throw downs - this isn't as complicated as, say, cloning dinosaurs from DNA found inside petrified mosquitos. If life can find a way, then Hollywood can find a way to anoint The Rock to his rightful action star throne.

Just no more "G.I. Joe." Ever.

Ticket Stubs is sponsored by the Hayden Cinema Six Theater. Showtimes at www.HaydenCinema6.com. Tyler Wilson can be reached at [email protected].

ARTICLES BY TYLER WILSON

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