Tonight my brother-in-law calls. Grilled halibut, famers market green beans with Dijon mustard and rice wine vinegar vinaigrette and a deliciously buttery chardonnay are served on the deck of my home ready to enjoy with my wife and mother and a decision has to be made. Should I enjoy the meal I just prepared for my family or talk with by brother-in-law who just discloses in his message that, "I really need to talk."

The answer is easy. As a Psychophilanthropist, I put down my fork and talk with my brother-in-law who is in need of me. Missing a warm meal is secondary to the need of a friend. I listen intently, offer advice, agree to meet next week and return to my meal.

This 10-minute phone call demands little of me while giving psychologically of myself to one in need. My dinner partners understand my need to help a friend and our dinner discussion develops into rich, meaningful conversation about giving of oneself and caring about the people we love. My cold dinner tastes richly satisfying because of my decision to talk with one in need.

This past two weeks I've examined the role of a Psychophilanthropist and how I came to develop this idea of psychological health. In my third and final installment of this theory, I explain the true meaning of psychophilanthropy.

To recap, I offer the following definition of a Psychophilanthropist. As a Psychophilanthropist I do not allow others to manipulate or control me. I understand human behavior and offer help when needed but do not enable unhealthy behavior. I separate myself from people who damage me psychologically and surround myself with people who accept me; flaws and all.

I choose to give to the people I love the best of me as often as I have the psychological energy to do so. I choose to notice when someone I love needs love. I choose to offer the best of me to a family member who needs it, when she needs it and I choose to unselfishly offer a listening ear to one who needs to talk.

The idea of psychophilanthropy came to me during years as a psychotherapist examining patients with equal opportunity for success. Given the same financial, cultural, educational and childhood nurturing, some patients thrive while others fail. Patients who thrive have numerous qualities in common; all focus on giving to others and tackling problems head on, not procrastinating and not waiting for others to take care of them. Successful patients also give of themselves to others expecting nothing in return.

A psychological giver listens when others talk and does not talk over or interrupt the messenger. Carl Rogers calls this active listening. Active listening is a communication technique that requires the listener to feed back what she hears to the speaker, by way of re-stating or paraphrasing what she has heard in her own words, to confirm what she has heard and moreover, to confirm the understanding of both parties.

When interacting, people often wait to speak rather than listening attentively. A person might also be distracted. Active listening is a structured way of listening and responding to others, focusing attention on the function of communicating objectively as opposed to focusing on forms, passive expression or subjectivity.

Nevertheless it is common ground, once accepted as understood. Dialogue, understanding and progress can only arise from that common ground. In addition, common ground cannot be established without respect for the words as spoken by the speaker, for whatever reason.

Thus, the essence of active listening is as simple as it is effective: paraphrasing the speaker's words back to them as a question.

There is little room for assumption or interpretation. It is functional, mechanical and leaves little doubt as to what is meant by what is said. The process is successful if the person receiving the information gives feedback which shows understanding for meaning. Suspending one's own frame of reference, suspending judgment and avoiding other internal mental activities are important to fully attend to the speaker.

A Psychophilanthropist also gives expecting nothing in return. An unexpected phone call, a kind word, affirmation or lifting psychologically one who emotionally struggles is the genesis of psychological giving. Being a Psychophilanthropist demands one is confident in his or her own mental wellness and prepared to offer support and genuine kindness to another.

Becoming a Psychophilanthropist demands that a person invest energy in understanding one's self while understanding how one's actions affect others. One must not support negative behavior or enable ineffective coping strategies. One must have the wisdom to understand when another is attempting to sabotage his success or corrupt his positive relationships. Also important is to offer help when needed and support friends who struggle.

Being a psychological giver is a difficult balance between helping one in need while not enabling and supporting negatively destructive behavior. A Psychophilanthropist must deeply explore and understand his or her own psychological health. Once a person truly knows himself, he can aid others in self-understanding.

Individual personality traits get in the way of psychological health:

• Psychoterrorist - psychoterrorists are psychological takers who manipulate and destroy the mental wellness of typically stable individuals. This terrorist might throw destructive psychological bombs in the path of a successful individual. These bombs might include drug use and alcohol abuse grenades, infidelity firecrackers or lying and deceitful snares. A Psychophilanthropist sees a psychoterrorist as a destructive force and attempts to exclude him from her social world.

• Psychosaboteur - psychological sabotage is accomplished by one who disregards or discounts positive efforts a Psychophilanthropist attempts to achieve. A psychosaboteur uses catastrophic language and negative talk to diminish positive ideas and thoughts. "That will never work, I always fail, the world is an evil place," are statements routinely used by psychosaboteurs. A healthy Psychophilanthropist will view these statements as defeatist and disregard them while supporting the messenger.

• Psychovegetative - a person who is psychologically stagnate is not growing emotionally nor diminishing. This person might live a healthy life of fulfillment or wonder what might be missing in her life. Seldom willing to make substantial life changes to increase happiness, the psychovegetative individual is destined to live a life of stagnation.

• Psychoequilibrium - a person who is psychologically stable is intrinsically happy with the person he has become. This person gives of one's self while not reaching the pinnacle of psychophilanthropy. Seldom interested in others' psychological health, a person who has psychoequilibrium is more concerned with his own pleasure and satisfaction than that of others. This is not necessarily a negative attribute but seldom a positive attribute.

Living a life of psychophilanthropy is difficult and requires one to research human behavior, give of one's self expecting nothing in return and respecting and listening to others' thoughts, ideas and dreams. This commitment is difficult and forces the giver to give a gift seldom offered - the gift of caring.

If you wish to comment or offer suggestions, please email Bill Rutherford at bprutherford@hotmail.com.