What the mentally strong avoid

With each new year comes the impetus to start fresh, to live better, to somehow improve. Any philosopher or therapist worth her salt will tell you: Life is more about how we see it than how it really is.

So step one in any fresh start begins with the mind.

Forbes magazine may seem an unlikely spot for mental inspiration, but a Nov. 18 post from an online contributor provided just that. Call it thought control, but in reverse; observe mentally strong people believing that how they think is what gives them strength, rather than assuming they begin with the strength to think that way.

Anyone can do it, but it does take practice - Rome (and mental strength) isn't built in a day. Taken from interviews with author-psychotherapist Amy Morin, here are 13 "don'ts" - things mentally strong people avoid:

1. Feeling sorry for themselves. Those of strong mind don't dwell on how others or life mistreats them. Taking responsibility for all outcomes generates a sense of freedom. With it comes a feeling of control over one's circumstances (and a lack of expectations). However things happened, fair or unfair, "I" am the only one who can fix it now. Their mantra is not to whine why, but say, "Next!"

2. Giving away power (feel inferior). Eleanor Roosevelt wisely said no one can make you feel inferior without your permission. Don't give it. The only image that matters doesn't come from other people.

3. Avoiding change. The very definition of life is change; stagnancy means death - literally and figuratively. Mental strength derives from embracing change; the nice thing is that this also results in fears fading.

4. Focusing on what they can't control. Notice that strong people aren't complaining about weather, traffic, or other people. They rarely compare themselves to others. They focus on what they have power over - themselves.

5. Pleasing others (or trying to displease). This is the weakest form of false strength, because it depends solely outside oneself (seeing a pattern here?). The mentally strong strive to be kind to all, but are unafraid to speak up for themselves and frequently do, politely.

6. Fearing calculated risk. Be willing, not to jump without looking, but to weigh the situation and take a reasonable risk. They say the only things we regret are the risks not taken.

7. Dwelling on the past. Relates to point 1. While understanding the past, especially what we may learn from it, helps us move forward, living there (or only in the future) misses life entirely. Life is here, now. The past is over and the future may not come, so the strong may learn and plan, but they move on quickly by focusing their thoughts on what can be done now.

8. Repeating mistakes. Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. The strong examine non-working patterns and change them, without blame, self-recrimination, or fear. If that doesn't work either, they simply try again until something does.

9. Resenting others' success. The mentally strong rejoice when others succeed, period. There is no finite supply of success; plenty to go around, if we keep working at it. A nice bonus is the confidence that compassion provides - itself a source of strength.

10. Giving up. So many examples of famous authors, inventors, actors, leaders who repeatedly failed before succeeding... Choosing to see failure as a chance to improve is an empowering feeling, and improves the odds of success.

11. Fear of being alone. No man is an island, but mentally strong people learn to like time alone. Use downtime to reflect, plan, and be productive. Again this is a way to rely on self, not others, to provide one's entertainment and happiness. Keeping that in your own control means it's less fragile.

12. Feeling they're owed anything. Again, this is a focus on control - by self, not others. If no one owes you anything, only you can provide what's needed so ups and downs are up to you and exclusively under your control. Mentally strong people want to succeed at life on their own merits.

13. Expecting instant results. Losing weight, getting a promotion, blending a family with stepchildren - the mentally strong expect it to take much time and effort. They apply energy in measured doses and celebrate incremental successes. They focus on now, and progress, rather than feel disappointment in setbacks or having to wait longer.

So as Father Time might agree,

"Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin." - Mother Teresa

Sholeh Patrick is a columnist for the Hagadone News Network. Contact her at [email protected].