Let's be honest here.

At one time or another in our lives, we've all avoided being around a friend or family member who'd recently lost a loved one. "I didn't know what to say," we told ourselves by way of an excuse. It's sad, it's human and it's reality.

"I think that happens because we innately want each other to be OK - we want to fix each other," said Jennifer James, senior chaplain at Kootenai Health.

We don't know how to act and we're afraid of saying the wrong thing. But most of us want to do the right thing - anything at all - to make the hurt go away.

According to Dr. Daniel Hayes, Coeur d'Alene clinical psychologist, "I think that when people say things like, 'They're in a better place now' or 'God wouldn't give you anything you can't handle,' it's an attempt to comfort the person. It's inadequate, however, in helping that person with loss."

So what can help?

According to the Mayo Clinic, psychotherapy and support groups - not to mention family and friends - are good options for helping people through their grief.

"I feel that the group I go to (Survivors of Suicide) is a place I can discuss my feelings and know that the other people there will understand where I'm coming from," said Judy Diamond, whose son committed suicide several years ago. "I think in the beginning you feel you can't breathe. It's like you have this really heavy heart and you just can't catch your breath.

"For somebody to take their own life - that's something most people don't understand. The group does understand it, though, and they know my loss."

James said that on average, people don't start attending grief support groups immediately after a death. Often they will wait three to six months.

"Sometimes a week is too early," she said. "People are still numb and it's difficult for them to engage with the group at that point."

She said the primary reason people attend groups is to learn how to survive the grief. What happens in the Kootenai group is a lot of sharing.

"Mostly we talk about what people are experiencing," James said. "I sometimes do some teaching about how to care for yourself and how to get through everything, but I believe that people telling their stories over and over again is what helps them heal."

Kathy Beck is the group facilitator for the local chapter of Bereaved Parents of the USA. Her son, Mike, died at the age of 15 1/2. She had belonged to the all-volunteer group several years before becoming its leader.

"It's very difficult to come to your first meeting because it's so emotional," she said. "Some people come, sit in the parking lot and think 'I can't do this.' They never do come inside.

"My first meeting I saw people who were laughing and I thought that I would never do that again. They were people who had lost their children years prior and they'd survived. It gave me the sense that they'd been there and were now living their life in a somewhat normal way again and that they were able to experience joy."

And just as every grieving person is different, so is every support group unique.

Karen Petit leads a group for Survivors of Suicide, which is part of the Suicide Prevention Action Network. Several years ago she lost her brother - a man she remembers as "one of my favorite people" - to suicide. "This work (volunteer leading) is what I was meant to do," she said. "It's a privilege and an honor to be with people as they walk through their grief - to be a listener and a supporter.

"I stay with a pretty open and unstructured agenda in the group. Basically people just kind of tell their stories. We talk about things that have helped us get through the excruciating pain. Unfortunately, with suicide, there's a lot of stigma. People oftentimes say cruel things to those of us who have lost someone to suicide."

Kids are sometimes hit the hardest by the loss of a loved one. Every year, Hospice of North Idaho offers a free, three-day summer camp for them. According to Kim Ransier, executive director of Hospice, "It's three days of kids totally being kids, but also having proper outlets to discuss their grief. There's a lot of art play, physical activity, support groups and story circles. Knowing that other kids have the same feelings is important.

"Anger is a natural type of emotion when you deal with grief, but how you deal with that anger is what's very difficult for children. We try to help them with their feelings."

Hospice offers a variety of bereavement groups, including a men's lunch group, a women's support group and special groups for kids 6 and up. Meetings are not just for survivors of hospice patients. They're for anyone in the community who needs that extra support.

Not all people who have lost loved ones will join groups. Some are extremely private people and others are unable to share their feelings and experiences in front of strangers. Over the years, Dr. Hayes has counseled many individual clients who've come to him for help with their grief.

"There's almost nothing I can say that will relieve their pain, so that's not the goal," he said. "The goal is for them to make sense of things - to go through that loss process and discover what it means to them.

"Some people just need to express what they're experiencing and they can do that more easily in therapy. They need to accept the reality of the loss. But different people go through different processes and you can't force it."

When is it time for an intervention? When is it time to stop looking to friends and family and to seek professional help? Dr. Hayes said there are basically two circumstances to watch for.

If someone is overwhelmed with distress and the distress is accompanied by significantly impaired functioning, it's time to venture outside normal social circles for help.

Because of our individual differences, there's no specific time anyone should bounce back from a grief experience. In the meantime, Dr. Hayes advised being present with the person, but not necessarily to talk. If you have the urge to do something, he said, ask the bereaved person if there is anything they would like you to do - give them the opportunity, rather than forcing your needs upon them.

In mid-September, St. Luke's Church will host an interactive panel discussion on death.

"It's the biggest thing people are afraid to talk about," said the Rev. Pat Bell, rector of St. Luke's. "This program invites people to find ways to talk about issues of death and dying. We want to remove the stigma of death - embracing it instead of almost denying it.

"We want to address it ahead of time. A lot of grief happens when people suddenly have these regrets that they weren't able to talk about life and death before it happened. Part of the discussion will address grief issues."

Longtime survivors of loss will let you know when they're "back," but many will tell you that their lives today are not the same as they once were.

According to Beck of Bereaved Parents, "The joy I experience now is a different kind of joy than I experienced before. I am a different person than I was before my son's death."

Petit said, "I definitely have survived and can find joy and all the great things that life has to offer, but I am also a changed person."

"People often ask me, 'Aren't you ever going to get over this?' Diamond said. "And I tell them, 'No, not really. You don't ever get over it. You learn to live with it, but you're forever changed.'"

Local Grief Support Groups

Kootenai Health: Free weekly group. Information: Jennifer James at 666-3285

Hospice of North Idaho: Free support groups for all ages. Information: 772-7994 or honi.org

Survivors of Suicide: Free group meeting once a month. Information: Karen Petit at 772-2353

Bereaved Parents of the USA: Free group meeting once a month. Information: Kathy Beck at 773-5684

St. Luke's Episcopal Church: "Conversations on Death," an interactive panel on Sept. 14. Information: 664-5533