Last week I introduced the thought of psychophilanthropy - giving of oneself expecting nothing in return. This week I wish to continue the exploration of psychological giving and examine the barriers others place in the way of finding personal, emotional and cognitive happiness.

Psychophilanthropy is a way of living I created to focus more on giving of myself than taking from others. As a Psychophilanthropist I do not allow others to manipulate or control me. I understand human behavior and offer help when needed but do not enable unhealthy behavior. I separate myself from people who damage me psychologically and surround myself with people who accept me; flaws and all.

I choose to give to the people I love the best of me as often as I have the psychological energy to do so. I choose to notice when someone I love needs love. I choose to offer the best of me to a family member who needs it, when she needs it and I choose to unselfishly offer a listening ear to one who needs to talk.

The idea of psychophilanthropy came to me during years as a psychotherapist examining patients with equal opportunity for success. Given the same financial, cultural, educational and childhood nurturing, some patients thrive while others fail. Patients who thrive have numerous qualities in common; all focus on giving to others and tackling problems head on, not procrastinating and not waiting for others to take care of them. Successful patients also give of themselves to others expecting nothing in return.

Some common traits of successful patients include:

• Listening in therapy, taking an active approach and making continual changes to better the one's situation.

• Ensuring no one or excuse gets in the way of his or her success.

• Having compassion for the people the patient comes in contact with daily.

• Showing true empathy for others' psychological or emotional turmoil.

• Having the ability to aid others while not victimizing or co-enabling negative behavior.

• Being a great listener. Positive patients often report to me, "All my friends say I'm a great listener and should become a therapist." Having another human, face-to-face, truly listen to what one has to say is a gift seldom offered and better than anything wrapped with a big bow in a pretty package.

• Most importantly and overwhelmingly common among successful patients is their wiliness to give of themselves emotionally as much as psychologically possible without expecting anything in return.

Some common traits of those who struggle in life and are seldom successful in therapy include:

• Continual excuse-making for their difficulties without taking ownership in how their actions might contribute to their struggles.

• Allowing to be influenced by unhealthy activities while disregarding positive human interaction. Unhealthy activities might include drug and excessive alcohol use, excessive screen-time including television, computer, cell phone and video games, excessive spending or lack of initiative.

• Lack of the ability to really listen. A poor communicator often engages in the following speech pattern: you talk, I interrupt, you keep talking, I build thoughts while you're talking and listen to half of what you say and you become frustrated at my inattentiveness. We spar back and forth with neither listening nor understand what the other is saying; intent to get our message across disregarding the other's thoughts and feelings. This is not communication; this is verbal sparring.

• The undeniable search for something better. This person is seldom happy with his lot in life and focuses on what is not working in life rather than life's blessings.

• Negative self-talk and catastrophic thinking is to continually talk and think about what is not working and making every life decision or event in life a massive undertaking. This type of thinking makes one's world more stressful than it needs to be and depresses one's emotions. Life is not difficult; humans make it so.

The common attribute between a psychologically successful person and an emotionally unhealthy person is cognition - the act of thinking. A successful person thinks in a cooperative manner that nurtures others while remaining confident in his own abilities and actions. An unsuccessful person often has negative thoughts and struggles to find positive attributes in him or the people in his life.

Defining the attributes which make one successful or struggle is important to understand the changes needed to become successful. I've defined five personality types which describe successful and unsuccessful human behavior. They are:

• Psychophilanthropist - Psychological Givers

• Psychoterrorist - Psychological Takers

• Psychosaboteur - Psychological Sabotage

• Psychovegetative - Psychologically Stagnate

• Psychoequilibrium - Psychological Stability

Next week I will offer definitions for each personality type and examine options of escape from the debilitating grip of the negative traits and strategies to maintain the positive traits.

If you wish to comment or offer suggestions, please email Bill Rutherford at bprutherford@hotmail.com.