My dear friend is a physical therapist who works with people who have had strokes. She is a talented and compassionate lady who cares deeply, and whose desire is always to return her patients to their families and their own homes as quickly as possible.

She repeatedly tells me stories of strong family systems, and how these systems are integral as the catalyst for healing - patients who have been told that they will not walk again or will never play the piano again and then suddenly they are doing the very thing they thought they couldn't do. What makes the difference between one patient who does so well and another one who doesn't do as well?

In my oncology care experience, it is the family that surrounds them that makes the difference. It is the spouses, the sisters, the brothers, the moms and dads, the children that stand behind the one who is in the trenches. They have decided to honor their loved ones with all their heart and they never give up on them.

The word honor can be used as a verb or a noun. I think it works either way, in this case. As a noun, it means to hold in high esteem or respect. As a verb, it would be to fulfill an obligation or keep an agreement. Either way, it means that this spouse has made a commitment to honor his or her partner in a way that no one else understands - until you have a spouse that is ill. It is the worst thing ever to have to stand by and watch as the person you love goes to the bottom of the barrel. You are helpless and there is nothing you can do.

There are no words to describe it, but these spouses and families do it every day. They are the lifelines for the ones who are ill. They are their eyes and ears. They go to appointments, day after day. They stop their own life to insure the life of another. They wipe their tears. They cut their hair. They make food when often there is no appetite. They cry when no one else sees and they try to be strong, even when they are not sure how to be.

No one can prepare you for that moment that "in sickness and in health" happens. You are at a loss and you are afraid. Afraid you might be forced to live without them and afraid that the life you had before will never be the same, even if they live. And then, you feel ashamed for feeling such a thing.

Sickness taxes the family system, even a strong and healthy one. Divorce rates escalate when there is illness, and families are torn apart with medical bills and loss of income. There are issues of bankruptcy, and people who once felt like productive members of society are suddenly faced with what that even means to them anymore.

No one prepares you for this. We somehow think it will never happen to anyone we love. And then it does, and we are lost in a sea of change.

Every family who has had someone who is ill has gone through these same feelings, so realize you are not alone. Don't be afraid of the things you feel - they will pass. Be steady in the fact that in crisis, people do and say things they often aren't clear about themselves.

This is a time of uncertain feelings, and change is around every corner. So, you must find a few things that you can control that give you peace. Sometimes it's merely the steadiness of your breath, the beauty of the sun every day or the prayers of your friends. Whatever it is, focus on it and do not have many expectations. The time that you are going through is difficult.

Then, take time to connect with someone outside your family system who can be your rock - maybe through a phone call or email. This person can be your advocate when things are rough at home. This will give you a place to share your feelings that is safe, and still allow you to be strong and available for your loved one. This can be someone at church, a friend or a counselor. This is a critical time for you, so don't be afraid to reach out for help. Your family needs you to be healthy and well, too.

Also, your loved ones will need help regaining their physical strength, so they will need physical therapy. Physical therapists understand this stage of healing very well. They understand that your loved one is dealing with a physical loss also and has to have help accepting their new life. Physical therapists understand what it means to have a loss and have to start over. Our patients experience physical losses every day and have to re-tool their lives.

We can help you heal the physical issues your loved ones face, and we are honored to stand alongside you and your loved one as your family heals from this crisis.

Sheree DiBiase, PT, and her staff can be reached at Lake City Physical Therapy, (208) 667-1988. Her practice cares for all age patients with orthopedic, sports, oncology, and women's health issues.