If not for a late-year surge of quality cinema, 2013 might have gone down as one of the most mediocre movie years in recent memory.

The stacked December schedule (including many films that haven't yet made it to the Inland Northwest) makes it almost impossible to compile a proper Top Movies of 2013 list. We'll save that job for next week.

For now, take a quick dip into the rancid waters of 2013's worst cinematic offerings. Sadly, the first nine months of the year made this list all too easy to create.

What's NOT on the list:

Critics across the country piled on Disney's "The Lone Ranger" for being a bloated, needlessly expensive disaster. While I wouldn't necessarily disagree, the tone of the criticism became mean-spirited and more superfluous than the movie itself.

"The Lone Ranger" is definitely a mess, but it contains streaks of fascinating genre subversion, and the film is bookended by two spectacular train sequences. It doesn't belong anywhere near the bottom of a sincere Worst-of list.

The Real Worst Movies of 2013

After Earth

It pains me to speak poorly of Will Smith, the former superstar of summer movies. He was the go-to guy for blockbuster fun, and his charisma could outshine even questionable material ("Hancock," "Men in Black" sequels). He's asleep for the duration of "After Earth," leaving ill-equipped son Jaden to anchor this thinly-plotted and cheap-looking slog of science fiction from M. Night Shyamalan, who is now operating several miles below rock bottom.

Evil Dead

This horror remake had the gall to run with the tagline, "The most terrifying film you will ever experience." Nope, not even close. It's all gore without conflict, character development or any sense of menace. Stick with the Bruce Campbell-led original and its horror-comedy sequels.

A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III

I can only blame myself for trying to sit through a Charlie Sheen-starring "fantasy-comedy." Don't be fooled by the appearances of Jason Schwartzman and Bill Murray. It's so not worth it.

A Good Day to Die Hard

Everything good about the original "Die Hard" is absent in this shoddy fifth installment of the Bruce Willis franchise. Incoherent action sequences coupled with nonsensical one-liners makes this a Yippee-Kay-No (that's the level of humor in this movie).

Grown Ups 2

This movie literally has no plot. Adam Sandler and friends walk around for 90 minutes making pee and fart jokes. This movie made $133 MILLION at the domestic box office. We're doomed, America.

The Hangover Part III

The second "Hangover" film simply took the comedy beats of the original and rehashed them in a different setting. "Part III" ditches the format but doesn't add any new attempts at humor. I'm not sure if this is even supposed to be a comedy.

The Host

As it turns out, "Twilight" author Stephanie Meyer has terrible ideas outside of the romance/vampire genre. This body-snatching sci-fi misfire is inert at all levels of basic storytelling.

Movie 43

Half of Hollywood contributed to this sketch comedy fiasco, with Hugh Jackman (who had a good 2013 overall) having to wear prosthetic testicles as a chin. It actually gets much grosser than that.

Olympus Has Fallen/White House Down

It's tough to decide which of these White House invasion movies is worse. "Olympus" revels in its R-rated bloody violence while "White House" takes the PG-13 route where the same amounts of people are shot in the face, just not with the blood splatter. Both, however, have ridiculous plot twists, lazy humor and pitiful action sequences marred by cheap-looking CGI.

Stop blowing up nice buildings and monuments, and let those people in Washington work. They've got enough troubles already.

Tyler Wilson can be reached at [email protected].