Societal development happens in stages. Pooling resources, industrialization and mechanization while developing basic laws to manage them tend to precede democratic development, which itself precedes the maturing of civil rights, in some places even basic human rights. After all this is well underway, although not perfected, does civilization work on remaining prejudices (hopefully chipping away with the protection of civil rights) and stereotypes. Americans may argue the finer points of the rest, and certainly room for growth remain, but generally our society is at this later phase. Our perceptions, our treatments of one another.

Take domestic and interpersonal/sexual violence; laws already forbid it, at least of the physical variety. Yet we put up with it far too easily. We bury our heads in the sand, look the other way; some still claim it's "not other people's business." Since when is a crime not public business? Isn't that antithetical - isn't the very point of making something a crime the idea that it damages society?

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and it's time to focus on our most stubborn stereotypes, our remaining prejudices. One: While female partners of men remain the most common victim category, followed by children of abusers, that leads to a dangerous bias. Men are victims of domestic violence. Let me repeat that, men are victims of abusers. So are both genders (all, to be correct) in same-sex relationships.

Yes that suggests other issues, but put them aside. The point here is violence. And how stereotypes and the associated, unnecessary shame related to such prejudices prevent victims of physical and psychological abuse from getting help, or worse, from receiving it when they try. And thus society's ignorance encourages violence, control, and crime to continue.

What should a man do when his life is manipulated by a controlling partner, when a typical day means being screamed at and berated, when he is repeatedly struck, stolen from, worse? Strike back, just because he may have bigger muscles? The minute he does, we call him a batterer. Yet when rarely such a male reaches out, reports the crime or asks for help getting out of an emotionally taxing, exhausting life, the common reaction is to snicker, call him names afterward. Or he fears we will, because society jokes about such a scenario. Same goes for same-sex couples in abusive relationships.

That's gender bias, and I mean in both directions; just because abusers are more often male doesn't mean they're the only ones who abuse. Worse, it perpetuates violence. Letting such people get away with abusive behavior harms society not only developmentally, but economically (health care, lost productivity). Letting the rest of us get away with the resultant stunted development holds civilization back.

We know better.

Bullying is bullying. Who the bully is or who is bullied changes nothing, except that we give bullying a different name - "domestic violence" or "intimate partner violence" (without cohabitation) - when those deep and long-lasting layers of psychological damage in close relationships are part of it.

North Idaho's local shelter and help center recognized this, changing its name from "The Women's Center" to "North Idaho Violence Prevention Center." For eight years, I volunteered as a crisis advocate, talking to victims by phone, meeting them in the hospital. The few men who called were embarrassed to talk about it (even when abuse happened during youth), but once they did their experience was otherwise no different than the women's with one exception: They waited longer, understood less, felt more shame. There's no need for that, and the responsibility lies with the rest of us.

Easily fixed. October is Domestic Violence (Self-)Awareness Month. Time to turn the looking-glass into a mirror.

For information or help in crisis call NIPVC at (208) 664-9303 or Idaho's hotline (800) 669-3176.

Sholeh Patrick is a columnist for the Hagadone News Network. Contact her at Sholeh@cdapress.com.