Your Mrs. Language Person has a nerdy sense of humor. That which makes others guffaw may at best raise an eyebrow, but misplaced modifiers are her great gut-busters. A simple switcheroo is rollicking comedy to a Snitty Old Bitty.

"Calf born to farmer with two heads." (Does that make the farmer doubly smart?)

"Car reported stolen by police yesterday." (Do police often steal cars?)

"Her mother died in the home she was born in yesterday." (You weren't born yesterday, dear Reader, so you know better.)

Let's try those another way, placing the modifying words closer to those they were intended modify:

"Calf with two heads born to farmer." (Hmm. Your MLP might dicker with "born to farmer," but she'll let it go this time.)

"Stolen car reported yesterday by police." (Darn. It was more fun to think of carjacking cops.)

"Yesterday, her mother died in the home she was born in," or adding the missing relative pronoun, "..in which she was born." (Becoming a mother a day after her own birth was too disturbing.)

Sometimes a modifier's misplacement is not so obvious, potentially true but nevertheless confusing. Less comedy than mischief are the following "squinting modifiers:"

"Jack told Jill when the game was over he would pick her up."

Now, did Jack tell her something when the game was over, or did he tell her at another time that he would pick her up after the game? Maybe his broken crown has him befuddled. 'Twould have been best had it read either, "When the game was over, Jack told Jill he would pick her up (at a specific place or time)" or "Jack told Jill (that) he would pick her up when the game was over."

To split a verb is simply awkward; let nothing come between primary and auxiliary verbs:

"MLP may in dreary column have a point, but it's still her typical snore fest."

No ambiguity there, but it doesn't sound as clean as, "MLP may have a point in this dreary column.."

No buts, Dear Reader. When you have "may have," "will do," "are going," and such compound verbs, please keep them married. No separation makes a stronger word union. However, a little breathing distance with an adjective does little harm.

Consider that hotly debated split infinitive. To boldly go, or to go boldly? Is to drearily write any worse than to write drearily? The Snitty Bitty answer is yes. Infinitives are stronger together, but if you must split, the modern take is that it is, at least technically, not as incorrect as this sentence.

Nor is it wise to dangle a modifier, lest comedy be your intent:

"Sipping cocktails on the veranda, the moon was magnificent."

Any moon sipping cocktails must be magnificently drunk. Who was sipping? Add the words, Dear Readers.

Mrs. Language Person and Sholeh Patrick are word nerds for the Hagadone News Network. Send corrections, criticism, and comedic inspiration to Sholeh@cdapress.com.