Can anyone name any accomplishments Hillary Clinton has actually done? I mean, what uniquely qualifies her to be president other than the fact that she is... gulp... a woman, who kept her marriage together out of political expediency to cynically run for the Senate, so she can become the-first-ever-women-president EVER?

What am I missing?

Did I mention she is a women? Anyway, it’s a darn good thing Hillary is even running for president! God forbid, what would the sexist “vast right wing conspiracy” in America do or say if she didn’t?

Like for example, stuff like how the Clinton Foundation continues to take lots and lots of money from misogynistic foreign countries like Saudi Arabia that have an abysmal record on women’s rights. Or how... and this THANKFULLY has NOTHING to do with gender... how Hillary pushed the Russian “strategic reset button” right before Putin invaded Ukraine, which now qualifies her to run for the White House.

Or perhaps Hillary is just inherently qualified because of her sterling record as secretary of state while throwing bombs and gasoline on the Jihad Spring “democracy movement” in Libya? Remember how we had to kill Qaddafi and save innocent civilians — and democracy — from being slaughtered? Remember how Hillary, “came, saw, and... he died?” Of course it’s not like any innocents are being slaughtered NOW in Libya, or as if thousands of boat people attempting to flee the carnage created by Hill’s little war are drowning right NOW in the Mediterranean as I write this. 

All that bad stuff happened way back then.

But at least now Europe will have more illegal aliens comprehensively violating their laws, kind of like we do here in racist America. And since this issue has been a political football for so many years in America, it’s time to pass the illegal amnesty football over to Europe so they can “comprehensively fix” their ultra-right-wing Euro-racist attitudes.

Could it be that Hillary is just so vastly overly qualified to be president, more than anyone else on the planet, that we, the wee-people, just don’t appreciate how really qualified she really, really is based on her corrupt Machiavellian behavior alone? I mean, hiding and destroying all her emails is an amazing strategic accomplishment in a post-Snowden Orwellian world. That really is impressive. And here I erroneously thought that only rogue tax agencies could get away with that kinda stuff in America!

Or maybe Hill can run on the great economy! Personally, I like how she says corporations don’t really create jobs. That’s just a really, really cool concept! And in all reality, unless you are some kind of over-the-top right-wing nut case, what difference does it make anyway who creates a job unless you are running for office? I mean, a job is a job is a job, right? If a Marxist government like Cuba can create good paying jobs, then, er, um... who are we to criticize? It’s not as if Cuba’s economy is broken.

Well, if it is broken, it’s our fault.

The classic mode of operation of the radical left is to insinuate something is “broken” and offer a “comprehensive fix.” Like a comprehensive nuclear deal with Iran, or normalizing relations with a genocidal dictatorial communist government, even though they haven’t fundamentally changed at all. The “fix” is never about really fixing anything but fundamentally changing everything. Labeling something as “broken” is always code for the need to implement “fundamental change.”

And so it is for this reason, and with much Obama-like pontification and self-loathing, that I comprehensively declare that Hillary Clinton is “fundamentally broken.” That’s right, little children: Hillary is broken. It took a village and a failed book tour to reach this conclusion, but you read it here first.

Of course every kindergarten student in America knows that our climate is broken, because — duh! — we broke it. But does this mean man-made climate change is actually fundamentally good because the climate is changing fundamentally, or does this just mean Hillary is broken and needs to fundamentally change and run as a Republican?

What difference would that make anyway? Sorry, I just HAD to say that one more time. It’s so catchy and confusing. And for good reason. When truth is impugned often enough by vilifying those who would attempt to voice opposition to tyranny, any fictional narrative can be comprehensively concocted to make you fundamentally vomit.

Of course, when everyone else is gulping down the Kool-Aid, you don’t want to be both socially awkward AND politically incorrect by refusing more poison, do you? So drink up! More big government a-la Hillary is fundamentally good!

But we’re not exactly sure for what.

Like biting into a Forest Gump chocolate to find out “what’s in it” or passing an unconstitutional “health care” law, the progressive way of implementing change without telling you just how stupid you are helps them implement the kind of real change that you so desperately need!

After all, what difference does it make if your brain is missing in action like Hillary’s emails? The difference it makes, little children, is how America has arrived at this point in history with a dictatorial president “governing” by executive fiat.

But of course, Hillary won’t be doing anything like that. No. She simply wants to, “be your champion”... and mine too for that matter! (Ask your doctor if Hillary is right for you!) Never mind that she is so detached from everyday American life that she hasn’t driven a car in 20 years. It seems Hillary might have more in common with non-driving Saudi Arabian women than binders-full-of-car-driving American women.

In summary, Hillary is a women and that’s all we ever really need to know. But what has she ever... done?

She wants to be the first ever women president and that’s all you EVER need to know! So shut up, STUPID!

Even though she is broken, flat-earth bitter-clingers just love Hillary.  

Just don’t ever ask them to explain why.

Robert Seymour is a resident of Kalispell.