Just a wild guess but can't help thinking, possibly 25 percent of the "911 calls" do not come close to qualifying as emergencies. "911 is for immediate response from fire, law officers, or medical personnel." From personal experience I've learned a real 911 call will get someone headed your way almost immediately, or even sooner.

Each and every day there are examples of non-emergency calls. I just wish I had been keeping a log on the weirder ones we've had over the years. Can recall several years ago when someone wanted sheriff action right away because two guys on Whitefish Stage were out in a yard playing guitars ... in their underwear. Have been many underwear calls since and the latest one was this month.

This past week a lady called to tell operators she had volunteered to give a man a ride to work. When he wouldn't fasten his seat belt they got in an argument and he threw her car keys out the window. When she ran out in the grass to find them, he came out and poured beer on her. There is always unneeded excitement in the 911 center.

I recall a recent case where a lady beat up her snockered boyfriend with a club of some kind. She told officers responding to the scene that she was fed up with his spending more time with his wife than with her. What's a girl to do?

Domestic violence accelerated by booze and drugs probably creates a majority of electronic cries for help, several every day. Last weekend a battered man was found lying in the roadway on Eighth Avenue North. He called by cell phone. Said his wife had attacked him with a baseball bat. Police found her at an address he gave them. She couldn't decide whether to go see her husband in the hospital or just take a taxi home.

Real and/or imagined problems between neighbors are also a major source of 911 calls. Man wanted to know if it was legal for him to eat some of the neighbor's chickens that kept doing bad things in his yard.

Some calls are laced with sadness. Lady called week before last because, "I'm lonely and need someone to talk to."

In conversation with the dispatcher there was a small ray of sunshine, she did mention she had a nice husband who brought her presents.

I have a very practical reason for writing about this 911 situation. By now I hope readers are wondering if there is an option for citizens with real but not-emergency problems. The answer is YES. The Sheriff's office told me law enforcement and related services are available by calling the "dispatch" numbers listed in front of the telephone books. For example, the dispatch number in Columbia Falls for police is 892-3234, in Kalispell 758-7780, for Sheriff's office 758-5610, etc. Calls received on those lines are transferred to the 911 Dispatch Center clearly flagged as "non-emergency." It is that simple and following the procedure greatly relieves pressure on actual emergency responders.

There is now way everyone can be taught proper use of emergency procedures; however, if the majority of us try harder maybe fewer men will call 911 when wives tear up their marriage license and flush them down the toilet.

G. George Ostrom is a national award-winning columnist for Hungry Horse News. He lives in Kalispell.