Fiona is preparing for her first birthday. In three weeks she will eat her first birthday cake, using her hands to smear frosting on her face, body, highchair and mother as our family laughs and takes pictures. We will celebrate this milestone in her life by lighting a ceremonial candle on her cake, by purchasing toys, clothes and books and by having a huge party. The only problem is, she will not remember this celebration.

We will shop for days, order food, invite friends and dress Fiona in a special outfit for something that she will never remember. Does this mean that a first birthday celebration is not important? Not at all. Celebrations, playing, talking and reading to children at a young age are paramount to the child's maturation and psychological growth. The difficulty is understanding the reason for the celebration.

A child's first recallable memory is around the age of 3. Think back for a moment. What is your first memory? What can you remember specifically about your childhood - blowing out two candles at your birthday party, the Dumbo ride at Disneyland, a scary crash or traumatic event?

Most people will remember a time in their life before the age of 3 but this thought will be more like a picture than a movie. These memories are called flashbulb memories. After the age of 3, memories become more like a movie than a picture.

I remember an age before I can talk, attempting to tell my baby sitter that I do not want the Gerber mashed peas she is attempting to feed me but do not have the words to explain my desire. I then remember my sister, a year older than I, telling my sitter, "He doesn't like peas." I then remember my sitter saying, "OK," then feeding me a banana which I consume instantly. I remember each of these events separately, as if looking at a photo album.

Babies do have access to permanent memories but remember events differently than children or adults. Special or traumatic events are held in a baby's permanent memory to remind the baby to avoid the traumatic event or be drawn toward the special event in the future, promoting the baby's need to survive. For this reason, when an uncle scares a baby because he gets too close, too quickly the baby screams and attempts to squirm away from the presumed threat. As a child avoids spicy food, a growling dog or uncomfortably loud noises, she also avoids a human who presents as a threat.

Now the child has a permanent negative memory for this uncle and everyone who resembles this uncle. As the child ages, she may have a lifelong, innate dislike or distrust for people with hazel eyes, blonde hair and freckles - the physical traits of uncle Bob. The child has learned at an early age, that things with these traits will scare me so I should avoid these traits in the future.

This also explains the old adage that boys marry someone like their mother and girls marry someone like their father. If a child has a positive relationship with his mother or her father, the child searches for people with the same traits as his or her parent because he or she learns that these traits are safe and will perpetuate his or her survival.

There is an exception to this rule of early memory accusation. When a child is either neglected or abused the child might remember little of his or her life before the age of 5, 6, 10 or 12.

It is not that the child is repressing memories of abuse or neglect. An abused child's memories are often consumed by the abuse and little other learning is possible. A neglected child does not have the opportunity to learn how to be human due to his or her neglect. Abuse might include hitting, beating, avoiding the child, yelling and screaming, isolation, lack of food or an unhealthy environment. Neglect might include isolation, little or no personal contact and a lack of food, no access to words or learning or being dirty and unkempt. A child who has little access to the world will not learn the skills required to be a healthy, positive, productive adult.

To promote a child's early positive memories, it is important to fill a child's life with positive adult interactions to include reading with a young child, playing with the child and allowing the child to see and feel comfortable with faces of many shapes and sizes.

At a child's early age, he or she is learning what is safe, comfortable or scary. The unknown is scary for a child. Also, a child has an innate understanding of sad and happy so a sad or angry face will often elicit a fear or scared response from a child.

At the age of 10 to 15 months, most children go through a fearful stage called separation anxiety. Not coincidently, this stage takes place at the same time a child is learning to walk. As a child gains the ability to wander away from his or her parent, the child engages a natural instinct that keeps the child close to the parent.

A secure child will wander a few feet away from the parent, take a look back ensuring the parent is there if needed and continue wandering away to engage in play or exploration. An insecure child will struggle wandering more than a few feet from a caregiver and when forced to leave the comfort of a parent, explode in fearful tears and screams. This stage is normal and should subside around the age of 15-18 months.

A child is either secure or insecure - externally curious or internally cautious. These are normal personality traits as each child is different and should be celebrated for his or her differences. An insecure child is not disordered or abnormal. Insecurity is simply the personality of the child.

This is not the same for an abused or neglected child. Abused or neglected children might wander freely, far away from a caretaker then explode, laugh, run or display any number of unpredictable behaviors attempting to survive without nurturing, loving and learning from a caring adult.

So, celebrate every event in a child's life. Read to your baby, talk (adult talk, not baby talk) with your baby, play with your baby and take your baby into the world daily. Allow your baby to see other babies, children and adults. These experiences create neural brain connections that produce lifelong, positive memories.

Send comments or other suggestions to William Rutherford at bprutherford@hotmail.com or visit pensiveparenting.com.