What does it really mean to be a bully? Is a bully a child who torments other children and takes pleasure in the task? Is a bully a kid who fights other kids when he gets mad and struggles with emotional regulation? Is a bully a girl who texts her friends to put down and make fun of other girls in her class? Does the definition really matter?

The definition of bullying at stopbullying.gov is unwanted, aggressive behavior among school-aged children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time.

The Olweus bully prevention program states a person is bullied when he or she is exposed, repeatedly and over time, to negative actions on the part of one or more other persons, and he or she has difficulty defending himself or herself.

Three criteria must be present to accept that one has been bullied:

* Aggressive behavior by another student or students (for example, when others say mean things, deliberately and systematically ignore someone, physically hurt others, spread negative rumors, or do other hurtful things).

* A power imbalance exists between the individuals involved.

* The bullying behavior happens more than once.

All three conditions must be present for the actions to constitute bullying behavior, according to the Olweus definition.

If one asks real people the definition of bullying one might get the thoughtful and complete response offered at Wikipedia; our online, real-people, complete collective consciousness for real-time understanding of the world as we see it today. The Wikipedia definition is complete and lengthy requiring one to think deeply about the real effect of bullying. The Wikipedia definition is:

* Bullying is the use of force, threat, or coercion to abuse, intimidate, or aggressively dominate others. The behavior is often repeated and habitual. One essential prerequisite is the perception, by the bully or by others, of an imbalance of social or physical power, which distinguishes bullying from conflict. Behaviors used to assert such domination can include verbal harassment or threat, physical assault or coercion, and such acts may be directed repeatedly toward particular targets. Rationalizations for such behavior sometimes include differences of social class, race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, appearance, behavior, body language, personality, reputation, lineage, strength, size or ability. If bullying is done by a group, it is called mobbing.

A quick online search reveals an overwhelming number of definitions which adds to the confusion. Is a child being bullied or is he or she not being bullied? The truth lies in the emotions of the person affected.

As an elementary principal I find it difficult to determine if an act is bullying or if the act is simply a child being mean. I often spend an hour or more with the affected child and talk about the incident. I ask the child affected if he or she feels the perceived bully has been targeting him or her. I ask if he or she has the power to fix the issue and offer help to stand up to the perceived bully and help with the words to tell the bully to stop.

When I determine the incident does not rise to the level of bullying, I help the affected child troubleshoot the incident and gain strength to problem-solve how he or she might better control this type of circumstance in the future. In this journey, the parent is always notified and we work together to help the child feel safe. The perpetrator is held accountable for his or her actions and the affected child is notified of the disciple of the perpetrator to ensure the child understands that negative actions always have a consequence.

As one might infer, the word "bully" has become a societal, casually used word which carries little meaning and does not reflect the core meaning of the term. People throw the word bully around whenever one is hurt, talked poorly to, made fun of or when one gets into a fight. As the numerous and consistent definitions suggest, bullying does not happen as often as most believe. If the act is not repeated, if one does not have power over another and if the act is not repeated, it is not bullying.

I suggest a change, a philosophical mind-shift, a switch in pedagogy and a systemic change - a paradigm shift. The world focuses on eliminating bullying and I agree with this focus but, instead of focusing on the negative might the world be a better place if we all focus on the positive?

I suggest we replace the word bully with kindness. Why focus on kids who hurt? Let's focus on kids who are kind. Let's teach kindness, not teach reactive responses to kids who are mean.

Many believe, and research supports that 85 percent of students are generally good and make good decisions every day. Most also understand that 10-12 percent of students struggle to make good decisions daily but, when held accountable to their actions and are offered positive role models, will make good behavioral choices every day. This leaves 3-5 percent of students who struggle daily making positive choices.

It makes sense to me to spend most of my time supporting and teaching the 95-97 percent of students in my school kindness, instead of teaching them how to deal with bullies. It also makes sense to me to identify the 3-5 percent of students who struggle to make good behavioral choices daily and work with these students intensively to become part of the 95-97 percent of students who make good choices every day.

If this makes sense to you, please join me and hundreds of students and parents who make good choices every day at Lake City High School on June 8 at 6 p.m., for a "kindness" film festival. This night will be heart-warming, interactive and emotionally positive. If you have a heart for kids, have kids or are interested in what kids are thinking, please join me in this amazing night celebrating the great choices kids make every day! Hope to see you there. If you do decide to come, please say hello to me. I love meeting my readers!

Send comments or other suggestions to William Rutherford at bprutherford@hotmail.com or visit pensiveparenting.com.