A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes Y. And sometimes, schwa.

No, dear Readers, your Mrs. Language Person makes no joke (isn't that the truth, you snicker). As always she is quite serious; "schwa" is a vowel, the "a" pronounced as "uh." Sh-w-uh.

Sh-w-udder, does your MLP, at the notion that any such lazily uttered sound can be grammatically correct, but there it is. The sad truth, as disappointing to your MLP as the degradation of "doughnut" to "donut."

Yet despite the way it reduces other vowels, squishing them to sound sloppy, schwa is no such degradation, no mistake made acceptable by years of misuse. It is the Queen's English; yes, H.R.M. uses schwa. So do the most careful of grammarians at Harvard and Oxford, and - reluctant as she is to utter it - so must MLP.

Gruh-mari-uns. Re-luc-tint. Sigh.

The most common vowel sound in English, the schwa is represented as an upside-down "e" in the phonetic alphabet. Only words with two or more syllables may have a schwa, typically in the unstressed syllable and pronounced quickly, occasionally even omitted in speech. Examples include the "a" (pronounced "uh") in alone and sofa, the "e" (pronounced as the "i" in "it") in system and event, the second "o" in coronation, the second "o" and the "a" in chocolate, and the "o" gallop. The schwa makes a perfectly nice vowel sound obscure, unclear, hard to detect. Thought those pronunciations were pure sloppiness, Dear Reader? Alas, no.

The word "schwa" derives from the German "shawa" and Hebrew schwa, formally identified in linguistics by 19th century German philologist Jacob Grimm. Philology, you might remember, is the study of language in written sources.

The schwa may have one redeeming quality even your MLP concedes. Schwa usage varies among dialects. English speakers in America and Australia use schwas where those in England and Ireland or Wales do not, and vice versa. As English continues to spread worldwide, variations in use of schwa become even more noticeable. Thus while most listeners might not be aware, the schwa helps linguists identify a speaker's origin.

Cultural uses notwithstanding, in a sense the schwa represents grammatically approved abuse of its fellow vowels, reducing them, making them sound lazy and small. Poor things. Your Mrs. Language Person does not approve. But to show she indeed possesses a sense of humor, she shares this joke courtesy of linguistics student Elena Johnson, who has MLP's thanks for today's topic suggestion:

"I wanna be a shwa. It's never stressed."

Mrs. Language Person and Sholeh Patrick are columnists for the Hagadone News Network. Contact them at Sholeh@cdapress.com.