Sweet 16 of Neeson fighting people
Tyler Wilson/Special to the Press | Hagadone News Network | UPDATED 9 years, 10 months AGO
Bracket season shouldn't only be about basketball.
Liam Neeson beating up bad guys in movies can be considered a sport all its own, so why not turn his filmography into a no-holds-barred tournament smackdown?
While most consider 2008's "Taken" as the start of Neeson's "particular set of skills" period, the actor showed considerable fighting prowess in the first of the "Star Wars" prequels in 1999. "The Phantom Menace" remains his most successful film at the box office, but financial success doesn't necessarily reflect the quality of Neeson's buttkicking.
Here comes a totally scientific bracket tournament to settle the score. Sixteen action-centric Neeson movies have been ranked by box office performance. It gives "Phantom Menace" the coveted No. 1 seed, but remember that movie is hindered by a Jar-Jar Binks backcourt. Anything can happen.
Quick note: Neeson's 2015 entries "Taken 3" and "Run All Night" aren't included in the tournament, mostly because the box office totals aren't final. The tournament also ignores the actor's high-brow, "Schindler's List" period, because he didn't punch enough people before 1999.
Round One
(1) "Star Wars The Phantom Menace" (1999) - $474 million vs. (16) "Gun Shy" (2000) - $1.6 million
Neeson (or his stunt-double) is pretty good with a lightsaber in the climactic 2-on-1 battle in "Phantom Menace." Nobody saw "Gun Shy," even though it features America's Sweetheart Sandy Bullock as a gastrointestinal specialist. And Jar-Jar survives round one! Winner: "Phantom Menace"
(8) "Non-Stop" (2014) - $92 million vs. (9) "Wrath of the Titans" (2012) - $83 million
For two-thirds of its running time, "Non-Stop" is an entertaining, Hitchcockian thriller on a plane. "Wrath of the Titans," the sequel to the "Clash of the Titans" remake, is all kinds of terrible. Winner: "Non-Stop"
(5) "Clash of the Titans: (2010) - $163 million vs. (12) "Unknown" (2011) - $63 million
In "Unknown," Neeson fights a guy who steals his identity. In "Clash of the Titans," Neeson releases a Krakken to do all his fighting for him. Kind of a punk move, Zeus. Winner: "Unknown."
(4) "Batman Begins" (2005) - $206 million vs. (13) "The Grey" (2011) - $51 million
This is a rough draw for "The Grey," a dark and thoughtful survival story that, yes, also happens to feature Neeson fighting wolves. "Batman Begins" is just too good, and Neeson plays the stud who shows Batman how to be Batman. Winner: "Batman Begins"
(3) "The Lego Movie" (2014) - $257 million vs. (14) "A Million Ways to Die in the West" (2014) - $43 million
Two villain roles from last year square off, and... it's a total blowout. The Academy may have dissed "The Lego Movie," but it's still one of the most entertaining kid movies in ages, and Neeson's terrific dual vocal performance as Good Cop/Bad Cop often steals the movie.
(6) "Taken" (2008) - $145 million vs. (11) "Battleship" (2012) - $65 million
One is a taut thriller and the other is an expensive alien invasion dud based on a board game. Winner: "Taken"
(7) "Taken 2" (2012) - $139 million vs. (10) "The A-Team" (2010) - $77 million
Call me crazy, but "The A-Team" is crazy entertaining, and it features a charismatic Bradley Cooper before he went fishing for Oscars. Anybody remember a single scene from "Taken 2?" Winner: "The A-Team."
(2) "The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe" (2005) - $291 million vs. (15) "A Walk Among the Tombstones" (2014) - $26 million
Neeson is the voice of the lion in all three "Narnia" movies, but the character is most prevalent in the first movie, which is probably the saggiest of the films. "Tombstones," on the other hand, is an old-fashioned, gritty noir that (sadly) didn't muster much attention at the box office last fall. It's an early exit for Aslan. Winner: "A Walk Among the Tombstones"
Round Two
(1) "The Phantom Menace" vs. (8) "Non-Stop"
Jar-Jar isn't even the worst thing about Lucas' revival of the galaxy far, far away. Little Anakin Skywalker (Jake Lloyd) is just the worst. Darth Maul killed the wrong Jedi. Winner: "Non-Stop"
(4) "Batman Begins" vs. (12) "Unknown"
Spoilers for a 10-year-old movie, but in "Batman Begins" Neeson goes from formidable trainer of Bruce Wayne to the cunning supervillain Ra's al Ghul. Tricky, Liam Neeson! In hindsight, that nefarious facial hair was a dead giveaway. Winner: "Batman Begins"
(3) "The Lego Movie" vs. (6) "Taken"
Two formidable characters with impossibly excellent sets of skills. Ultimately, I have to give it to "The Lego Movie," if only for Neeson's reading of the line, "Darn, darn, darn, darny-darn!"
(10) "The A-Team" vs. (15) "A Walk Among the Tombstones"
Neeson recites a solid, "I love it when a plan comes together." At this point in the article, that seems like enough for victory. Winner: "The A-Team."
FINAL FOUR
(4) "Batman Begins" vs. (8) "Non-Stop"
This is where the ridiculous final act of "Non-Stop" cannot be ignored. The bad guys on the plane have crazy motivations, but I guess Ra's al Ghul's plan for destroying Gotham isn't much more logical. Still, Neeson doesn't get to fight a snake in "Non-Stop," and that's my measure of a good airplane movie. Winner: "Batman Begins"
(3) "The Lego Movie" vs. (10) "The A-Team"
"The Lego Movie" is so obviously a better movie than "The A-Team," but we need an arbitrary reason for advancement. So let's go with Neeson's reading of the line, "Get off my train," reminiscent of how Harrison Ford dispatches Gary Oldman in "Air Force One." These are my rules, people.
Championship Round - (3) "The Lego Movie" vs. (4) "Batman Begins"
If you've followed any of my writing these past several years, you should have known this bracket was always coming down to the movies featuring Batman. It's an interesting matchup, as both films see Neeson playing good and bad. Ultimately, it's Neeson's softer side in "The Lego Movie" that pulls out the victory. Good Cop has such a sunny attitude toward law enforcement, and Neeson's Irish accent is a delight.
The lesson to be learned here is that kind words can sometimes be more powerful than brute force. And you thought this article was completely pointless...
Tyler Wilson can be reached at twilson@cdapress.com.
ARTICLES BY TYLER WILSON/SPECIAL TO THE PRESS
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