What do 9-11, Benghazi, the Paris massacre, San Bernardino and the Brussels bombings all have in common?

They have absolutely nothing to to with Islam.

The sooner all you “folks” become sensitive to that fact, the better. We know all this because Obama has told us that ISIS “is not Islamic,” much like the Nazis were not really German.

What difference does that make?

It makes it easier to forget the existential horrors of Islamic terror so that ordinary folks like us can do things like celebrate “our Islamic heritage” in America, or just go to a ball game in Cuba with our family.

Existentialism aside, people are people.

Did I say Islamic terror? Darn. I guess being sensitive is not as easy as say, wiping Hillary’s email server “clean” or just using the word “folks” or “existential” in a sentence.

If folks ... I mean people ... could just ban pork products in schools across America, just like they did in Germany, there would be no more terror because Muslims would never ever be offended.

Notice how they didn’t blow up Germany?

Yes, eating pork has always been a part of American and German culture, but you’ll get over it. Have some tofu instead. Committing cultural suicide to appease Islamic tyranny or Michelle Obama is just the right thing to do, folks.

Did I say Islamic tyranny? Did I say folks again? Wow. Let me just apologize and start all over.

If you or your children self-identify as a pig in America, like the insensitive Neanderthal recently arrested in the Netherlands for “wearing a pig hat,” you are the reason Muslims are blowing themselves up at an unsustainable and alarming rate.

But, hey, democracy is not perfect. Obama already told us, “democracy is messy.”

As we all know now, the “Arab spring” brought democracy, peace and stability to the Middle East. But don’t confuse democracy with mob violence or tyranny, because democracy can also be minority mob rule, especially if the minority has all the guns. But Obama just calls that a “liberation movement,” just like he recently compared the communist revolution in Cuba to the American Revolution.

No, I’m not making any of this up.

But confusing communism with freedom by calling them both “liberation movements” is only fair in a democracy. In any case, there’s no reason to be alarmed. Obama said at a news conference in Argentina in the wake of the Brussels attack that, “ISIS is not an existential threat to us.”

Excuse me while I drink a little more Kool-Aid.

Ahhh, OK, I’m back. Now where was I ... existentially?

Oh yeah, the dictionary defines “existential” as “of or relating to existence, especially human existence.” So this must mean that ISIS “does not exist as a human threat” much like Islamic terrorism doesn’t really exist, because it’s not really Islamic in the first place. So there’s nothing at all to see here, folks — no dead bodies, no carnage. (Obama likes to call people “folks,” like when he says ordinary “folks” in America can keep their health plan)

And so if you folks like ISIS in Iraq, you folks in Europe will love ISIS in your backyard! Because ISIS is not a threat ... uh, I mean an “existential threat.” Or maybe Obama just meant ISIS is not an existential threat to “us” way down here in Argentina?

Yeah, that’s probably what he meant.

So anyway what this means, by extension, is that if you are female and just happen to be living in Europe, listen to the authorities and don’t be an idiot! Don’t be stupid and go walking alone in the streets at night! European women can now safely move to Argentina where “Arab-looking” refugees and ISIS are not an existential threat late at night.

But be careful you are not called “Islamophobic.”

In reality though it’s only Islamophobia if they are trying to kill someone else, like an Israeli. Because after all, we all know that if Israel just gave back all that land they took unfairly in war, like the Sinai and Gaza, Palestinian “refugees” would just stop killing Israelis.

Got refugees?

Europe has now become Israel, and Brussels the new “Palestine.” So how does it feel, Europe, to become just like Israel, with your very own refugee camps and Islamic terrorists? How does it feel to be just like an Israeli living on the front lines, especially now when European Jews are leaving Europe en masse to go to Israel because of European anti-Semitism?

Jordan had lots of refugees after the Six-Day War and all those Palestinians never were assimilated by any of the Arab states surrounding Israel. Why? Because the “refugees” tried to overthrow the Jordanian government in September of 1970. The PLO “refugees” were then kicked out of Jordan and caused the 1976 civil war in Lebanon. The same “refugees” then set up camp in southern Lebanon and started a war with Israel in 1982.

But it’s not like civil war or anything like that will ever happen in Europe because of the refugee crisis. Of course not.

And just like Israel is to blame for the Palestinian refugees, we know for a fact that the refugee crisis in Europe is actually Europe’s own fault. Yes, it’s true. Obama recently told us that Europe “failed to follow through” on Libya after Hillary removed Gaddafi. Obama also called France and Britain “free riders” because they expect the U.S. “to act in global conflict situations but aren’t willing to put any skin in the game.”

That’s right, folks; it all just a game. And so far, the JV team is winning because they have more “skin in the game.”

And because Obama is more self-righteous than anyone other than maybe Hillary, he followed through on a promise to prematurely pull our troops from Iraq. Instead of listening to his military advisers, Obama created the ISIS monster that now threatens Western civilization.

But no worries. Unlike climate change, ISIS is not an “existential” threat to us.

Seymour is a resident of Kalispell.