The T-Dub awards 2016

In North Idaho, the moviegoing year can’t be fully assessed until some of the late award-season films reach local theaters.

I’ll run down my favorite movies of 2016 soon. In the meantime, please enjoy the only movie awards that really matter — the T-Dub Awards for Cinematic Excellence.

Sorry, Oscar voters, but your awards just don’t compare to a hastily compiled and horribly titled Coeur d’Alene Press column.

Best Performance of a Dead Guy: Daniel Radcliffe in “Swiss Army Man.”

Worst “Performance” by the Dearly Departed: The CGI version of Peter Cushing in “Rogue One: A Star Wars Story.”

Best Performance of the Year: Tie: Casey Affleck in “Manchester by the Sea,” and Emma Stone in “La La Land.”

Best Performance (Biased Edition): Amy Adams in “Arrival.” She can do no wrong.

Best Performance Everybody Forgot: John Goodman in “10 Cloverfield Lane.”

Breakout Performance by a Soon-to-be Star: Alden Ehrenreich in “Hail, Caesar!”

Best Performance in a Lousy Movie: Emily Blunt in “The Girl on the Train.”

Oh, How the Mighty Have Fallen: Johnny Depp in “Yoga Hosers” and “Alice Through the Looking Glass.”

The Easiest Way to Fill Out the Best Supporting Actor Category: Nominate Trevante Rhodes, Ashton Sanders, Alex Hibbert, Andre Holland and Mahershala Ali, all for “Moonlight.”

Best Child Performance: Royalty Hightower in “The Fits,” and Julian Dennison in “Hunt for the Wilderpeople.”

Best “Old Man” Performance: Jeff Bridges in “Hell or High Water.” Bridges also wins the Lifetime Achievement Award for this category.

Best Villain: Patrick Stewart in “Green Room.”

Worst Villain: Apocalypse in “X-Men: Apocalypse.”

Best Mustache: Ryan Gosling in “The Nice Guys.” Runner up: Tom Hanks in “Sully.”

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson Can Do Anything: Sing in “Moana.”

Best “Star Wars” Movie: “Star Trek Beyond.” I know what I said.

Good Movie Hindered by Poor CGI: “Pete’s Dragon.”

Best Use of CGI: “Doctor Strange.”

Gorgeous Lunacy Award: “The Neon Demon.”

Fastest Eight Hours of Your Life: “OJ: Made in America.”

Longest 90 Minutes of Your Life: “Zoolander 2.”

Funniest Reference to bin Laden in the History of Movies: “Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping.”

The “Unfortunately Timely” Award: Tie: “Zootopia” and “Arrival.”

Best Musical Moment: Emma Stone’s audition in “La La Land.”

Best Music Cue: “Sabotage” in “Star Trek Beyond.”

Most Revolting Scene: The elephant scene in “The Brothers Grimsby.” Don’t Google it.

Best Action Sequence: The airport melee in “Captain America: Civil War.”

The “Will Smith Dodged a Bullet” Award: “Independence Day: Resurgence.”

The “Will Smith Made Other Garbage Instead” Award: “Suicide Squad” and “Collateral Beauty.”

Best Cameo: Paul Rudd as Ant-Man in “Captain America: Civil War.”

Give Back Your Oscar: Jared Leto in “Suicide Squad.”

Grumpiest Superhero: Superman in “Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice.”

The “Christopher Lloyd is Still Awesome” Award: “I Am Not a Serial Killer.”

Best “Back to the Future” Moment: The school dance sequence in “Sing Street.”

The “Kevin Hart Needs to Take a Break” Award: “Ride Along 2” and “Central Intelligence.”

The “You Can Get Away with Anything in a PG-13 Movie Nowadays” Award: The body count in “The Magnificent Seven.”

The “Don’t Mess with Man’s Best Friend” Award (aka the “John Wick” Award): “In a Valley of Violence.”

The “How Did They Spend Millions of Dollars on This?” Award: “Now You See Me 2.”

The "Your Kids Deserve Better" Award: “The Angry Birds Movie.”

The “Stop Trying to Make Adam Devine a Thing” Award: “Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates.”

Best Cure for Insomnia: “Warcraft.”

Enough with the Zombies Already: “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.”

Best Novelty: The secrets in “Arrival.”

Worst Novelty: The POV in “Hardcore Henry.”

Best Open-Ended Ending: “The Lobster.”

Worst Open-Ended Ending: “Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice.”

Cutest Animal: Baby Dory in “Finding Dory.”

Scariest Animal: Black Phillip in “The Witch.”

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Tyler Wilson can be reached at [email protected].