Tired of nasty politics, of anger, hate speech, and divisiveness? The problem isn’t limited to Capitol Hill, but is endemic to modern humanity — a lack of civility. As we can control no one but ourselves, to encourage civility in human discourse, we must begin there; our own civility encourages the same tone in others, so an example-setting chain can grow stronger, reach further.

Does being civil mean devaluing one’s position, or compromising belief? Not at all. One can express opinion, even passionately, without resorting to rudeness, anger, assumptions, or stereotype. Accomplishing that means beginning with a very conscious, deliberate self-check, before expressing thoughts to others. Does this sentence express opinion supported by evidence, or simply judgment? Is this word emotional, or merely descriptive? If I were to hear this from someone else, would I feel attacked, or merely informed of his thoughts?

We learn best from one another when encouraged rather than discouraged.

Step 1: Whatever the subject, we must all expect disagreement. Human experiences, intelligence, background, family mores, cultures, religions — all make us different from one another, and all affect our perceptions. To respect only those who agree acknowledges none of these truths. Keeping this foremost in mind helps one choose civil words. One way to begin is to open opinion with a neutral presentation of the subject, and why it — the subject, not yet the personal viewpoint — is important to everyone (rather than opening with condemnation of opposing ideas).

Step 2: Be courteous. When others feel respected, or at least considered, they are far more apt to listen to what you have to say. If you don’t care if others listen, there is no point to communication — might as well write in a diary. Courtesy is not deference or submission, but simply politeness. So when expressing viewpoint after introducing a subject, refrain from name-calling, labels, or judgmental words. A good rule is to limit or eliminate adjectives, opting instead for facts (e.g., “freedom-hating” and “clueless” offer no real information, but simply assumption and judgment; whereas “reduction of property right” at least hints at fact, especially if followed by specifics).

Step 3: Remember the motivations of others are just as impassioned and soulful as our own. A video posted online by a former CIA operative pointed out that “everyone thinks he’s Luke or Han, not Darth Vader.” Put others on the defensive, especially regarding their character and motivations, and not only does civility erode, but ears shut and swords are instinctually drawn. That does nothing to convince others of your opinion or further a cause.

Step 4: Acknowledge the other side’s viewpoint and reasoning — from their perspective, rather than your own, before pointing out what you see as its faults or disadvantages. “Proponents say this policy would improve economic health by…” “However, this does not address harmful effects such as…” This is far more civil and convincing than political rhetoric, buzz words, labels, and insults. If the word choice displays anger or judgment, the writer loses his audience, and generally, respect. The “conversation” devolves into unthinking mob mentalities.

Step 5: Don’t ramble. Clarity and brevity are gifts to the reader/listener which aid the speaker at least as much. Lose or bore your audience with repetition and they won’t hear you. Wasted time also nets less exchange of ideas as others give up on ineffective conversation. Well-chosen words and convincing argument delivered with self-control and respect are far more effective than emotional repetitions which make others uncomfortable. In writing, reread what’s written and ask with each sentence, “is this a new idea, or just rewording of an old one?” If the latter, the sentence or idea is unnecessary or worse, counterproductive.

Why bother, rather than just letting oneself go (even though that may feel good)? Because informed debate is absolutely essential to democratic society. Without the intelligent, mutual exchange (that’s exchange — not a one-way tirade) of ideas, society can not evolve with increasing efficiency and overall health. The more civil our discourse, the greater our chance of solving our problems to mutual benefit, in increments.

In other words, it is courteous speech which most richly nourishes democracy.

Thanks to reader R.C. for the topic suggestion.

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Sholeh Patrick, J.D. is a columnist for the Hagadone News Network. Contact her at Sholeh@cdapress.com.