Press readers are invited to send questions — about anything and everything; the weirder, the better — to former Coeur d’Alene resident and Hollywood comedy writer Tom Neuhoff. Send your questions to: tomlaughing@yahoo.com

Here’s this week’s chief offenders.

Question:

There once was a man named Tom

Who did not have a date for the prom!

All the girls turned him down

And his face had a frown

Did he end up taking his mom?

Answer:

Taking my mother would have made it easier since, coincidentally, she was also my parole officer. I mean, how often does that happen? I was tiny back then. The underwear I am wearing today weighs more than I did in high school. (You should be flattered that I put on underwear to answer your question.) I grew up in a small Wisconsin farm town. Those farm girls were strong. At the dances I learned to follow long before learning to lead. Those girls dragged me around the dance floor like a cheap mop. (I also looked like one.)

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Question:

What’s the best way to get Mrs. Clinton to fork over her 33,000 missing emails without arresting her?

Answer:

I hope it never happens. It may not mean much to Hillary now but those nights with her at the Best Western will always be special to me.

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Question:

I read in The Press that the Coeur d’Alene Education Partnership will host the third annual Disco Inferno fundraiser at the Coeur d’Alene Eagles Lodge. You mentioned you were once a cabaret D.J. in 1980 so you have a personal history with disco. I am tired of no one stopping by my yard sales and thought a little disco music might ramp up sales. What do you think?

Answer:

There are those who say Disco Is Dead. There are people who would never buy an 8 Track Player. Some say Vinyl is Dead as they play their MP3 players. There is nothing wrong with disco. It reminds many of us of a time when we had no sense of fashion and didn’t care how we looked in the mirrored walls of a bar. It was our opportunity to be John Travolta without belonging to a cult. So I say play your disco music loud and proud at your next yard sale but if the Coeur d’Alene cops stop by I never wrote this.

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Question:

You live in Hollywood. I read recently in the Coeur d’Alene Press that Cody Groth at the Liberty Stop N Go was robbed at gunpoint and asked the robber, “That can’t be a real gun. That’s too small and looks fake.” I am thinking of opening a button store here in Coeur d’Alene and wondered if this should be my approach if my store is ever held up at gun point.

Answer:

I’ve lived in Hollywood most of my adult life, except for Coeur d’Alene and a stint as a cabaret D.J. in a Canadian oil boom town back in 1980. In all of my research I can’t find a single incident of an armed robbery of a button store in L.A. Coeur d’Alene may be different so I will offer you this advice. Never say to a robber, “That’s too small and looks fake.” He might not think you are talking about his gun.

But seriously...

I realize this is a humor column, although after reading a couple of comments on cdapress.com I can clearly see not everyone thinks I’m very funny. Such is the nature of humor.

Now and then you read about something so magnificent that you want to write about it. I read in the Coeur d’Alene Press that Lisa Pica is to receive the National Distinguished Principal of the Year award for Idaho. Teachers and those devoted to education are the single most important people on the planet. All too often we take them for granted, especially when it comes to budget considerations, but let me tell you no one can claim success or happiness without a memory of a teacher who guided them in the right direction. They are the true heroes in our world and we should not only appreciate them but adore them for the miracles they perform for us and our children on a daily basis.

Everyone who travels to Hollywood with dreams of fame has an Academy Awards speech prepared in their minds from Day One. In mine, I always thank my high school English teacher, Mrs. Rybicke, and every teacher who has a true love to teach. So now I thank you, Lisa Pica, for the miracles you perform every single day. You are my hero.