It negatively impacts everyone, yet we persist. Incivility has been rising for years, permeating society from living rooms to schoolyards and Capitol Hill. Generally, civilization progresses. Why, then, do humans seem to be regressing to immature, bullying, and inconsiderate behavior, despite the knowledge that centuries of science and experience provide?

Why are we less, rather than more, in control of our expressions and emotions at the same time we are increasingly fed up with that?

This is deeper rooted than the mudslinging of national campaigning. Giving up a seat for a senior or pregnant woman, without being asked. Please and thank you. Phones taking priority over people at the dining table, or over someone making a presentation. Ignoring someone, allowing them to feel left out. Anonymous (or blatant) postings or email with words designed to hurt. Apologizing when bumping into someone; helping to pick up what’s been spilled. Courtesies once considered minimums of human behavior are now increasingly rare.

Why? Is this a mere side effect of the rise of the individual? Do we blame it on the internet and the “look at me” egocentrism of social media? Both suggest that “I” matters more than “you” or “us.”

Discourtesy sends a message that others are unimportant, less valued, or unequal to ourselves. Impacts reach beyond hurt feelings, affecting (voters’ choices and) economic arenas. Research reported in the New York Times in 2010 concluded that many workers leave jobs due to incivility in the workplace, but rarely report it.

Blaming the target (you’re too sensitive!) is an old tactic of bullies. If I behave badly, you provoked it, and if you hurt afterward, it’s your problem. If I don’t control my behavior, it must be someone else’s fault. Why should I control it anyway?

And there’s the rub. Why, indeed? Once the individual was too unimportant; people suffered silently. That changed for the better, but perhaps we’ve gone too far in the other direction rather than hitting the middle. As a society, we no longer seem to feel it necessary to consider how what is said and done affects anyone else. In a way, we don’t feel “as a society” so much as we feel “me” and me alone.

Call it a loss of empathy or compassion. More than feelings, empathy is about understanding — the ability to take another’s perspective. Compassion is a form of consciousness of others’ experiences, from their vantage point, with their personality, experiences, strengths, and limitations. Compassion and empathy are thus knowledge; knowledge aids life by informing choices and predicting result. Without these, knowledge is reduced; one cannot comprehend the full extent and effect of each act done, each word uttered. Not only upon others, but upon our own environments.

Why bother? Ironically there is self-interest in not focusing solely on yours truly, in thinking at least equally of others. When we’re thoughtful, especially when it’s a habit, it tends to make others act more thoughtfully toward us. So bettering the experiences of others by being courteous creates more courtesies and favorable results for ourselves. That makes the days go better, life easier, problems fewer, relationships more rewarding.

When discourtesy rises to aggression and rudeness, psychologists say, the root cause is fear. So the nastiest people are the most afraid, deep down. Human beings lash out at others when we feel insecure, fearful.

Much has been written about fear’s prominence in modern society, fueling prejudices of all kinds, not to mention misimpression to justify that fear. We have a flawed perception that all is violence, when statistically violence among nations and most violent crimes within U.S. borders are lower than at any time in history. While there is a bigger spotlight on social problems previously swept under a rug, we have a perception that all that is reported is negative or fearful, when the abundance of good or neutral news is ignored or forgotten, because we are drawn to and impacted by what is fearful. “Seek and ye shall find” applies.

So why are we exhibiting more fear? One theory is we are too focused on ourselves, as individuals. This is fueled by technology and the dozens of times each day we “check” for communications and make social media posts, and thereby encourage others to follow suit. Who wants me, what’s on my mind, what does everyone need to know about me... Gone is the day when more information was taken in by the average mind than is going out. It makes us anxious, and anxiety doesn’t exactly fuel peace and calm.

This shift in focus hit home when I was told that today’s young (and to be fair, older) adults may tell all, but seldom ask about others because they simply expect it to be announced. “If you have something to say, you’ll say it, so I don’t have to ask.” OK, but we used to ask because we actually cared and wanted to hear it. How does that fit in?

We’ve lost something vital to happiness. Focusing on others builds confidence. Take parenting; most parents can relate to how personal problems can diminish after having children. When attention shifted to another, what seemed big became small or faded away.

We find a comfort in experiencing lives beyond our own, and we feel stronger when we positively impact those lives. When we feel stronger, we fear less. This happens in intimate and other relationships; having partners, friends, and loved ones makes one feel less scared than being alone. Magnify that on a national and international scale, and interactions across ethnicities, borders, economic and social strata, and other perceived barriers.

Compassion and empathy breed courtesy. Courtesies and civility breed connection, and connection breeds security, mutually reducing fear.

Conversely, when we are more self-focused we feel less connected with others — as individuals, as communities, as nations — and so when we feel less connected to fellow man we feel more afraid of others. This connection, this empathy, conquers fear by making the unknown feel familiar, closer and better understood.

If incivility’s rise is due to unacknowledged or misunderstood fears, then civility’s outward focus becomes its own solution.

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Sholeh Patrick is a columnist for the Hagadone News Network. Contact her at Sholeh@cdapress.com.