Press readers are invited to send questions — about anything and everything; the weirder, the better — to former Coeur d’Alene resident and Hollywood comedy writer Tom Neuhoff. Send your questions to: tomlaughing@yahoo.com

Here’s this week’s chief offenders.

Question: After reading Wednesday’s article “Crazy elections questions answered,” I wrote Carrie Phillips, Kootenai County elections manager but haven’t heard back from her. The man who vacuums out our septic tank said I should write you and he is almost never wrong. I am eager to vote in this presidential election but hate driving to our polling station. I’m fairly certain our mailman is a communist so no absentee ballot. I wanted to ask if it’s legal to have my dog vote for me. Since we got the automatic transmission, Rover has been pretty good at doing the beer runs for me. It’s only gotten better since he caught on to the value of coupons. I trust he’ll vote for my choice for president but have to admit he is a bit cagey after watching the debates with me. So is it legal?

Answer: I reached out to Carrie Phillips but she never seems to take me seriously. It goes back to when we were neighbors and would answer the door in various costumes. Long story. Anyway, I have run this question by the best legal minds we could afford which wasn’t made easier by one of them going back to bagging groceries at Albertsons. I am familiar with your dog and promised him I wouldn’t say anything but he’s been smoking cigarettes outside the liquor store. I think he’s just waiting for the traffic to die down before driving home with your beer. You know how nervous new drivers can be. Normally I wouldn’t say anything but he’s up to a pack a day. As to whether or not your dog can vote for you, our legal minds feel your dog might be able to vote if you can fit him into a convincing disguise. As it turns out, most of the people here wanted to know if they could vote for your dog instead of the two candidates running for president. Except for that incident with the cute chihuahua, his record is spotless. As far as we can tell, Rover doesn’t even have an email account. Our focus group tells us your dog overwhelmingly appeals to more Coeur d’Alene voters than Hillary or Trump. No surprise there.

Question: I’ve had ghosts on my mind ever since reading Thursday’s article, “Haunted Lumber Yard.” (Brad Corkill and Terry Groth, at Whiteman Lumber, found that “something” had started their pickup truck numerous times.) This reminds me of two famous Coeur d’Alene ghost stories, Fish Woman at Lake Coeur d’Alene and the huge horned monster who was seen lifting boats out of the water. My wife and I were married this weekend and spent our honeymoon camping near Lake Coeur d’Alene. First morning I crawled out of our tent I was shocked to see the Fish Woman tending our camp fire. Then I realized I had just never seen my wife before her first cup of coffee. It was near dusk a few days later when I saw a huge horned monster pulling a boat out of the water, just like in the story. My wife was standing next to me so it wasn’t her. Turns out it was two cows humping. I am never going camping without my glasses again. So do you believe in ghosts?

Answer: Yes, if I’m to believe the guy at the car wash who claims it’s a ghost that keeps stealing the coins out of my ash tray. Not only do I believe in ghosts but I am certain they exist for two reasons: 1) We owed them money before they died. 2) They were the nicest people in life and learned too late that didn’t get them anywhere. How many of you can relate to that lesson?