Press readers are invited to send questions — about anything and everything; the weirder, the better — to former Coeur d’Alene resident and Hollywood comedy writer Tom Neuhoff. Send your questions to: tomlaughing@yahoo.com

Here’s this week’s chief offenders.

QUESTION: I absolutely loved the article, “After 5 months, cat came back,” in Tuesday’s Coeur d’Alene Press. I was happy that Gracie Kingsley got her beloved Catniss back thanks to a microchip. It got me to thinking about my 4-year-old son. We have a fenced-in yard but Brandon has found a way to escape more times than El Chapo. I’m worried. Can we get a microchip planted in him? I drove over to our city animal shelter and asked them but they just called 911. I think the police are still following me. It’s either them or my ex-wife. They both drive the same kind of car.

ANSWER: If only life as a parent were that simple. When I was 4 years old I was very much like your Brandon. I’d roam through Hartford, Wis., lost but happier than El Chapo in a motel. They said I was looking for Santa. I can’t even remember how my parents found me. Someone must have ratted me out. Finally my father strapped me into a harness connected to a cable between our house and garage. Have you tried that? The only problem is if a storm pops up before you can unhook him. Trust me, getting struck by lightning is not as funny as it sounds. I still get a buzzing in my ears whenever it rains.

I remember when life was much safer for kids. Way back in 1983 I was a single parent working as a Santa Claus in a Seattle mall. While I sat on my Santa chair, my 6-year-old son roamed safely through the mall. Even the job of Santa has changed dramatically. Now you have to go through Santa School before getting hired. My first job as Santa was at the Del Amo Fashion Center in Torrance, Calif. They just told me the costume was in the basement of a shoe store. Putting it on, I stepped outside onto my sleigh and started waving to everyone. No one waved back, avoiding any eye contact. I looked down to see my Santa pants had fallen down to my shoes. Thank God I was wearing boxers. No one told me to pin the pants to the pillow. True story.

QUESTION: Ever since I read the article about Wendy Carroll’s “Out of the Shadows Theater needs volunteers” in Saturday’s paper, a childhood dream of acting has resurfaced. My first role was as a mushroom in my elementary school’s production of “Alice in Wonderland." My mother told me “I was good enough to put in her spaghetti.” Mothers do say those kind of things, especially mine after a pint of vodka. She said it helped her stay alert during all my plays. I never understood that because they had to carry her out on a gurney during intermission. I called Wendy Carroll, who was the kindest sober person I’ve ever talked to. The work she is doing is fantastic. Do you think I should try out at her next audition?

ANSWER: After reading your question I called Wendy and talked to her at great length. She assured me there is a place for all talent in her shows. You’re right. The work she is doing is fantastic. You won’t have to endure the humiliation of rejection as I’ve experienced in the comedy clubs because everyone who attends the “Out of the Shadows Theater” productions has a place on her stage. I remember once having to follow Freddie Prinze at “The Comedy Store” and the only person to laugh during my entire monologue was my wife. That kept us together for another 18 months. I say, go ahead and audition. Being onstage is like a wedding where your wife actually smiles. I have no idea what that is like but it must be amazing.