Achtung! All Trump supporters: don’t forget to vote on Nov. 28! The hallowed leader from on high has decreed it so from the podium of truth at a recent chanting throng of enthralled, fevered-eyed followers. Therefore, it is true. Do not believe the lies from the biased liberal press — part of a vast left-wing (and now Republican Party?) conspiracy, scheming to destroy his great and beautiful campaign — that he simply misspoke and that Election Day is actually on Nov. 8. Lies from the evil global Clinton machine!

Furthermore, do not believe his own words that contradict whatever words you must now believe at whatever moment they happen to spew forth from his junk food hole. Uh, because they were/are just words that, you know, didn’t/wouldn’t really reflect actual behavior in the past/future. Oh never mind — just Make America Great Again! Build the wall! Lock her up! USA! USA! USA!

“Sniff. Gimme power! Nobody else can fix America — only me! Believe me; I am (or rather my tax accountant was) such a genius at loopholes. I’ve got, like, business ahQUEmin. Never mind that Daddy and family floated ‘small’ loans of, say, maybe, who knows, twenty-two million, or so, give or take a few million here and there. Nah-nah-nah; I’ll never ever release my tax returns, and you’ll never ever know how much of my daddy’s gargantuan inheritance that I completely squandered by making naïve business decisions, all the while high rollin’ into hopeless debt to Russia, to China, to God only knows.

“Sniff. Believe me; it’s simply genius to declare four bankruptcies (okay, maybe six) and stiffing bankers, small investors, contractors, employees, taxpayers, and anyone else within sniffing distance. But, hey, I came out on top of all those losers, which is all that matters in the end. Right? Because it’s all about me, not you. Try to ignore the fact that I lost more money, which wasn’t really mine, than a mere commoner could earn in several hundred lifetimes, during a phenomenal economic expansion in the boom years of (Damn, I hate to say it!) a Clinton presidency, when virtually everyone else was winning, and nobody was as big a LOSER as I was. (Yikes, who could possibly lose by owning Atlantic City casinos in the roaring ’90’s?!) Ahem, so put me in charge, and I’ll fix your economy all right, so fast you won’t believe it. Believe me.

“Sniff. Believe me; I was so damn lucky that crooked Hillary and the rest of the adults in Congress couldn’t vote until a few years after the fact — thanks to Republican Supreme Court dithering — to close the fuzzy Republican loophole that allowed me to declare almost a billion dollar loss of OPM (other people’s money)! Yet, such sleazy, er, genius finagling then allowed me (I kid you not!) to offset, ‘bigly,’ my personal earnings, so as not to pay any federal taxes (to support the troops) for nearly two decades. Damn the little people! See, that’s why I’m rich and you’re not. Genius, I tells ya, pure genius!

“Sniff. Pivoting right along: Believe me; my fellow authoritarian traveler, Vladimir Putin, ain’t so bad once you get to know him and his wheeling, dealing oligarchs. He would never think of going into the Ukraine. (Huh?) He’s an admirably strong leader in the Syrian conflict too. Likewise, all those American generals, who know so much less than me, were grossly misguided back when they advised the Clinton Administration to bomb Putin’s genocidal puppets in Serbia, to whom I apologized, which I emphatically deny even though it’s on record. What dirt does Putin have on me, anyway? I guess you’ll never know.

“Sniff. And believe me; all those women are liars, liars, liars! Horrible, horrible liars! Except maybe those in Bill’s past (adjudicated ad nauseam), whom I am further abusing as political props. Look, look; over there, not here; so bad, so bad! And I should know all about perverts! Believe me.

“Sniff. It’s a bad mic! No wait; it’s an open mic? (Oh my God, I am so going to lose!) Sniff.”

Remember, all you Trumpians, vote on Nov. 28. Everyone else please, please, please vote against the paranoid scary clown with the creepy blowfish lips on or before Nov. 8!

Ryan Lawlor is a resident of Kalispell.