Press readers are invited to send questions — about anything and everything; the weirder, the better — to former Coeur d’Alene resident and Hollywood comedy writer Tom Neuhoff. Send your questions to: tomlaughing@yahoo.com

Here’s this week’s chief offenders.

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Question: “Spaceballs” or “Blazing Saddles?”

Answer: Actually, I’ve had both. The former when my ‘55 Chevy hit a huge speed bump and pretty much all of me was in space but those two puppies didn’t hit the ground for a couple of hours. As for the latter, I’ve experienced that only once, on a dude ranch in Arizona. A couple doses of Preparation H and I was good to go.

Question: If cats could talk, what would be the first thing they tell us?

Answer: Get rid of that damned dog.

Question: How did Donald Trump get so orange?

Answer: Cheap hair dye his company makes in Bangladesh.

Question: If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does a beer a day do?

Answer: If you’re married, it keeps you from jumping off the garage roof.

Question: How effective is online dating?

Answer: I met my wife that way and I start every day on the garage roof.

Question: The Press requested we contact reporter Devin Heilman regarding any paranormal activities as we approach Halloween, but I thought I would check with you first, Tom. I go out of my way to keep my boathouse on Lake Coeur d’Alene attractive and in compliance with all local codes. My neighbor, however, has been housing these bug-eyed aliens in her boathouse. I have nothing against extra-terrestrials but they are raiding my cucumber patch at night. I have tried to communicate with them but they simply stand on their hind legs and laugh at me. What can I do about this?

Answer: I have spoken with both your neighbor and your ophthalmologist. As it turns out your doctor has pleaded with you to get cataract surgery. Those aliens are your neighbor’s beloved ferrets attracted to your loud playing of country music in the middle of the night. You don’t really want to know what they are doing with your cucumbers. They do get a kick out of the way you jump around and wave your arms at them.