Last week my wife and I were jarred awake at 5:18 a.m. by a call from Publishers Clearing House informing us that we had won $3.1 million. Mr. John Peterson, who claimed to be a representative of PCH, also told us that we won a brand new Mercedes automobile, free gas for two years, free car insurance through Geico, AND free utilities for our home for two years!

(Important note: It was NOT Publishers Clearing House.)

Smelling a big, fat rat, I motioned to my wife to get the digital recorder I use to record calls that I think might be interesting to readers. With the “tape running,” I listened carefully to Mr. Peterson. Other than his heavy accent, his spiel was pretty good. A friend of mine listened to the recording and asked me if Mr. Peterson had indeed called me a “wiener”? LOL! In fact, Mr. Peterson called me a winner, repeatedly, up until the point he realized I had caught him red handed trying to scam me. Then his language deteriorated rapidly into a series of expletives that I did not edit from the recording. If you have a sense of humor AND you don’t mind listening to some pretty rough language, his, not mine, you can hear the complete conversation at www.cdapressconsumerguy.com.

This was no ordinary scam. The script that the caller used was carefully crafted to identify and pull the target into the conversation. First he asked me a series of questions: Do you remember entering the PCH Sweepstakes? Was I over 65 years old? Was I a “man of God?” Was I excited about winning $3.1 million? He went on to effusively congratulate me and kept repeating it was my “lucky day.”

Later in the conversation, he insisted that I repeat back to him all the prizes I had won. I believe the reason for this was for him to ensure he was talking to someone in possession of their faculties.

Later in the call, once the scammer was convinced I was hooked, he asked me to call him back. The reasons for this were: 1) So he could see that I was following his directions, and 2) So he was not charged for the phone call. I called him back so I could continue nailing him down.

Finally he revealed his true intent. He carefully explained to me that the government required that taxes be paid on the prize money I was about to receive, and that “Publishers Clearing House” had graciously paid $499 on my behalf. Before I could receive the $3.1 million, however, it was necessary that I send PCH the other $499 by Walmart-to-Walmart transfer. (Which by the way is almost impossible to track.)

At that point I felt I had enough on Mr. Peterson to pull the rug out from under him and let him know that he’d been caught — on tape. He exploded into an obscene tirade. BE AWARE — the language he uses is not for the faint of heart!

The scammer claimed he ripped off “500 people per day.” Obviously another lie, but I’m sure that was his fondest dream. Go to my blog and listen — just click on the link.

I was asked by a friend who listened to the recording, “How do you keep from laughing?” I told him it was very easy. All I had to do was think of the hundreds if not thousands of seniors this crook had ripped off. My only challenge was not showing my anger and disdain for the kind of human being who would prey on people in this manner.

LESSON: When you think it’s a scam, it probably is. Don’t play with these people — they are professional crooks. You may inadvertently disclose information you’ll wish you hadn’t. HANG UP IMMEDIATELY!

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A VICIOUS RUSE: With all the tragic news coming out of the conflicts in the Middle East, a new con has come to light. If you watch any TV news you’ve seen these images. The scam callers contact their targets, ideally older grandmother types, and explain that the imaginary charitable organization has developed a way to get almost 100 percent of all donations directly to the children in Syria. The method involves carefully sewing $100 bills into stuffed toys and sending the cash-laden toys to a post office box in New York. The “charity” then brings the toys into the war zone and distributes the money directly to the victims of war.

Obviously a scam, but a few in our area have fallen victim to this one, sending thousands of dollars in stuffed children’s toys off in the mail. The rip-off was only discovered after relatives of the target noticed large sums of cash being removed from retirement and savings accounts.

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COST PER PILL: A consumer called me and asked why one hospital in our area insists that patients bring their own medications to the hospital for their stay, and another hospital in our area, that strictly prohibits in-patients from bringing their own meds and then charging patients, what seems to be an outrageous cost per pill. I will be looking into this and will report to you what I find.

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FINAL THOUGHT: On computers — Microsoft DOES NOT call customers to tell them about viruses on their computers. Just think how many millions of computers in the world are running Microsoft Windows. If you get a call like this, hang up immediately and for goodness sake — do not allow ANYONE to remotely control your computer. If you have any questions about this call me BEFORE you fall victim to this one.

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I have many more interesting cases that I’m working on as The CDA Press Consumer Guy. Call me at (208) 699-0506, email me at brookshomes@gmail.com or fax me at (866) 362-9266. Include your full name and a phone number. If you want to listen to some of the more interesting calls I get, go to my blog and click on the link www.cdapressconsumerguy.com. I think you’ll find the recordings both educational AND very entertaining.

I am available to speak about scams and consumerism to schools, and local and civic groups.

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Bill Brooks is the CDA Press Consumer Guy and an active Associate Real Estate Associate Broker for Tomlinson-Sotheby’s International Realty in Coeur d’Alene.