Now streaming on Netflix: Enduring classics like “Touch of Evil,” “Close Encounters of the Third Kind,” “The Third Man” and “The Godfather.”

Or you can watch Kurt Russell play a weight-conscious Santa Claus who hangs around with creepy cartoon elves in “The Christmas Chronicles.”

Be honest - you chose Kurt Russell, didn’t you?

There are now more Netflix original films than stars in space, so for those desperate for new Christmas movies this year (assuming you already burned through the Hallmark Channel offerings), the home streaming juggernaut has you covered.

Because I take my title of Bad Christmas Movie Expert seriously, and I watched every Netflix 2018 Christmas movie available before deadline. Here is how they stack up, from terrible all the way up to almost-tolerable.

“Christmas with a View”

Notable cast: Vivica A. Fox for five minutes, Patrick Duffy (“Step by Step”) with a disgusting gray ponytail, and the lady who played the three-breasted woman in the Colin Farrell-led reboot of “Total Recall.”

Made on a budget of maybe 17 bucks, “Christmas with a View” focuses on a romance between the restaurant manager of a dinky ski lodge and the apparently super-famous reality TV-winning chef who is hired to lead the kitchen for the holiday season.

First things first - the “view” of the title appears to be a stagnant picture of Mount Everest superimposed via green screen through the windows of a former IHOP. The restaurant contains more Christmas trees than dining tables, and the food prepared by this so-called talented chef are completely unappetizing. And this is coming from the guy who ate four Salisbury steak TV dinners last week.

I don’t understand anything that’s happening here. Duffy runs a “small” diner down the hill that seems bigger than the flashy restaurant at the lodge, and our hero (played sleepily by Kaitlyn Leeb) is recruited by the lodge owner to convince her old friend Duffy to sell his place… for reasons.

Her romance with Chef Blah (Scott Cavalheiro) never once seems convincing, and Vivica A. Fox appears on screen to just stand by the phone and wait for a call from Quentin Tarantino about “Kill Bill Volume 3” that will never come.

Grade: One undercooked Beef Wellington (out of five)

“A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding”

Notable cast: The same zombies who appeared in last year’s first installment, including “iZombie” star Rose McIver.

Even Netflix doesn’t quite understand the success of the first “Christmas Prince,” a movie indistinguishable from the annual onslaught of Hallmark and ION Television offerings. Last year, Netflix’s official Twitter account posted, “To the 53 people who’ve watched ‘A Christmas Prince’ every day for the past 18 days: Who hurt you?” That’s more entertaining than anything in either of these movies.

“Royal Wedding” takes place one year after professional blogger (Hahahahahahahahahaha) Amber (McIver) helped Prince Richard assume the crown of the snowy European country of Aldovia, and oh yeah, they fell in love. Now they’re getting married, and all the extravagant Aldovian traditions are just too much for Boring Amber. The country is in financial ruin, but hey, let’s go hunting for the perfect Christmas tree!

Side note: There are drinking games for TV Christmas movies that involve taking shots every time someone does something familiar to the genre, like rolling around in the snow with a romantic foil or hunting for the perfect Christmas tree. Don’t play these drinking games. You will die of alcohol poisoning.

Amber’s dad comes along for this adventure, and he’s giving the same performance as Viggo Mortensen in “Green Book.” “This royal food is too fancy!”

For a movie about the super-rich, I was surprised by how dank and dreary everything looked, almost as if the movie didn’t have a budget for set dressing or even lights. I also don’t understand why King William is so busy. Our overlord runs a much bigger country and still has plenty of time to Tweet from his golden toilet. Surely William has time to attend Boring Amber’s archery lesson.

This couple, despite being comprised of two of the most boring people on Earth, have zero chemistry. Netflix cancelled the “Daredevil” TV series, but we now have two “Christmas Prince” movies. This truly is the darkest timeline.

Grade: One professional blogger (out of five fake news print outlets)

“The Holiday Calendar”

Notable cast: Kat Graham (voice of April O’Neil on “Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,” probably some other stuff), Quincy Brown (son of Sean “Diddy” Combs).

I love the premise - Graham plays a struggling small town photographer who receives an advent calendar that can predict the future… maybe. Unfortunately, the magic calendar really only provides fortune cookie-level advice, and the movie slogs through a fake-out romance between Graham’s character and some doctor named Ty. She eventually dumps him (get a real name, loser!) and romances Diddy Jr., but a corrupted SD card (really) almost derails the relationship.

The movie follows the standard outline with only a few quirks.

Diddy Jr. and a friend go to a screening of “A Christmas Story” dressed as characters from the movie. The friend chastises DJ for looking at his cell phone, arguing that “cell phones didn’t exist in 1983.” While “A Christmas Story” released in 1983, the actual story is set in the 1940s. Seems like a strange detail to get wrong.

A brief scene shows Graham’s character trying to find something to watch on Netflix, and she scrolls across advertisements for the Netflix original films, “Christmas Inheritance” and the first “Christmas Prince.” Shameless.

Two homeless guys tell Graham that boyfriend Ty (GET A REAL NAME!) isn’t volunteering at the shelter for “the right reasons.” Stay tuned for the next episode of “Hobo Bachelor”...

Grade: Two erased camera memory sticks (out of five)

“The Christmas Chronicles”

Notable cast: Kurt Freaking Russell, the hilarious Lamorne Morris from “New Girl” in not enough scenes, and a surprisingly delightful cameo.

Fresh off the death of their father (take a shot) a car-thief teen and his little sister accidentally interrupt Santa’s gift giving and lose his famed sleigh and sack of toys.

It takes an excruciating 20 minutes for Kurt Russell to appear, but man o’ man, talk about an actor with the ability to bring gravitas and fun to anything. Russell makes for a warm and charismatic Saint Nick, with the standout moments being scenes where Santa tempts grown adults with gifts they dreamed of from childhood in exchange for goods and services. He even elevates a goofy, prison-set musical number.

If only “The Christmas Chronicles” didn’t keep throwing sappy garbage at the screen in between a legitimately electric Russell performance. The late appearance of semi-vicious, cartoon-looking elves doesn’t help, and the car-thief teen learns that, yes, his dead dad would be proud of him. Seriously, I mean it about not playing those drinking games.

Stick with it for Russell and the cameo at the end.

Grade: Three Jack Burtons (out of five Snake Plisskens)

“The Princess Switch”

Notable cast: Vanessa Hudgens, Vanessa Hudgens doing a (British?) accent.

A heartbroken Chicago baker (Hudgens) heads to the snowy European country of Belgravia (which is directly north of Aldovia) for a prestigious baking competition. She meets a Duchess (EuroHudgens) who needs a break from planning her arranged marriage to Prince Blah, and luckily this baker looks exactly like her.

The movie spends a whole montage getting the baker to “walk like a Duchess,” but the accent somehow just comes to her. Anyway Baker Hudgens falls in love with Prince Blah, and EuroHudgens falls for the baker’s friend and Oh No! What’s gonna happen when the guys find out?!

Now, I could spend some time pointing out random quirks and cliches in “The Princess Switch” and act all superior again. But if you’ve been with me this long, I think you deserve a little sincerity. I enjoyed the heck out of “The Princess Switch.” I watched it while putting up the family Christmas tree, and if someone turned it on again, I’d probably sit and watch it to the end. I couldn’t say that about “Love, Actually.”

It’s derivative and lazy, but the snow-covered village is lovely and there are worse actors than Vanessa Hudgens. So there. You know the truth. I live in shame. Somebody get me a drink.

Grade: Three self-loathing movie buffs (out of five)

Tyler Wilson can be reached at [email protected]