My vet tells me our dog has Presumptive Cognitive Disorder. That explains why he keeps crapping on the kitchen floor every morning. Our dog, not the vet.

Don’t get me wrong. Our 11-year-old miniature poodle, Skippy, is so smart he can spit out a single pill from a fistful of dog food I’ve hidden it in. He keeps trying to kiss our cats and they let him get nose-to-nose before running away. I figure either the cats are playing hard-to-get or our dog has bad breath.

Compared to dogs, cats are low maintenance. You scoop out their litter box once a day and clean it every week. What I really love about cats is that you don’t have to put on pants to take them for walks and never have to stoop down and pick up a smelly pile with a plastic bag which is never big enough.

I’ve heard pigs make great pets. They’re supposed to be smarter than dogs and get along famously with all your other pets except for monkeys. You put a pig and a monkey in the same room and you’ve got trouble. I don’t know why. My wife wants a pig. I figure if they’re all that smart maybe I could train a pig to walk to the Mobil station and buy my lottery tickets once a week. Then I would never have to put on pants ever again.

I’ll never understand why people love snakes. In 1987 my 10-year-old son had an 8-foot boa constrictor he would put around my neck in an effort to help me lose my fear of snakes. I would smile, trying to come across as the brave father, but afterward I would sneak away to change my underwear. I’ve never lost my fear of snakes. They all look at you as though they can’t wait to swallow you whole. That just creeps me out.

Hamsters are cute but any animal that is content to run inside a wheel all night long needs to get a life.

My grandmother had two canaries and I have the best memories of waking up to them singing. The only drawback is once you let them out of their cage they’ll attack you like a Messerschmitt for caging them and clipping their wings. You can’t really blame them for all that pent-up rage.

I love fish because they’re not demanding and happy to be living in an aquarium the size of a beer cooler.

Rabbits are lovable but they always hop around as though they forgot where they planned to go.

My son once had a huge iguana and we fed him the best lettuce we could find. You figure you’re safe because they’re herbivorous but you look at them the wrong way and you lose a finger. One day I left the patio door open for two seconds and he bolted out and up our stucco wall to the roof. We never saw him again. Even a wife gives you more notice before bolting.

Growing up in the 1950s, I was a huge fan of “The Roy Rogers Show” and loved Trigger. I passionately wanted a horse but my father insisted we could never afford a pet bigger than our refrigerator. So when my father got a promotion and bought a Side by Side Frigidaire I knew I was finally getting my horse. It never happened. It was then that I learned life is rife with disappointment.

I’ve rarely known a pet lover who didn’t possess a gentle heart. They represent the best of us. It doesn’t matter what pet you have as long as you can connect with it. I admire pet owners because their love is true and undying. They teach us to think with our heart. There is no better lesson to learn.

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Tom Neuhoff is a Hollywood comedy writer and pet philosopher who lived in Coeur d’Alene once upon a time.