The other 75 movies of 2017

Earlier this week I watched my 100th and 101st movie released in 2017. They were “Bright” and “The Dark Tower,” so, you know, not a stellar way to ring in the new year.

I’ll be highlighting my favorite movies of the year soon (can “The Shape of Water” just get here already?), but it seems a little unfair to ignore everything else I saw last year.

So here are the other 75 (ish) movies, each summed up in five words or less. Of course most are worthy of discussion much deeper than five words, but time and print space are valuable commodities.

The further down you go, the worse the movies get, but there’s some decent stuff on the front half.

“The Meyerowitz Stories (New and Selected)” — Adam Sandler can actually act.

“Gerald’s Game” — Better than “It.”

“Detroit” — Harrowing middle hour.

“Darkest Hour” — Gary Oldman guns for Oscar.

“Dunkirk” — Brilliant filmmaking, no compelling characters.

“Logan” — A beautiful, haunting final image.

“Spider-Man Homecoming” — Scary Michael Keaton in car.

“John Wick: Chapter 2”— Keanu is A-list action star

“It” — Abundant evil clown jump scares.

“The Lost City of Z” — Wait, was that Robert Pattinson?

“Good Time” — Whoa, Robert Pattinson, really?

“First They Killed My Father” — Angelina Jolie good at directing.

“Split” — An M. Night Shyamalan resurgence.

“Columbus” — Thoughtful walking and talking.

“Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle” — Jack Black steals it.

“Murder on the Orient Express” — Branagh solves crime entertainingly.

“The Hitman’s Bodyguard” — Loud dumb fun.

“XXX: The Return of Xander Cage” — Really dumb. Really fun.

“Jim and Andy: The Great Beyond” — Case for/against Method Acting.

“War for the Planet of the Apes” — Premium motion capture, tad forgettable.

“Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2” — Good fun forgotten next day.

“Okja” — Probably better on big screen.

“Spielberg” — Fun documentary explains the obvious.

“Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets” — I’m crazy for liking it.

“Raw” — Yum yum, little fingers.

“It Comes At Night” — Angry moviegoers exit theater.

“The Fate of the Furious” — Running on fumes. Still fun—ish.

“I Don’t Feel at Home in This World Anymore” — Don’t mess with Melanie Lynskey.

“The Beguiled” — Look out, Colin Farrell. Women!

“Wind River” — White guy saves Native Americans.

“Win It All” — Gambling very bad.

“The Blackcoat’s Daughter” — “Mad Men” girl gets spooked.

“The Little Hours” — Nuns cursing, audience sporadically laughing.

“Atomic Blonde” — Cool fights, convoluted script.

“Cars 3” —: Better than “Cars 2.”

“Beatriz at Dinner” — Salma Hayek vs. Trump, kinda.

“Burning Sands” — Just stay in dorms, kids.

“Life” — Better “Alien” than “Alien: Covenant”

“The Boss Baby” — Cookies are for closers.

“Mindhorn” — Slight comedy that’s so Netflix.

“Kong: Skull Island” — Cool ape, worthless humans.

“Downsizing” — Matt Damon gets small. Snore.

“The Killing of a Sacred Deer” — Look out, Colin Farrell. Metaphor!

“Free Fire” — Criminals love guns and quips.

“Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales” — Live men bored by franchise.

“Snatched” — Goldie Hawn deserves better comeback.

“The Wall” — Waiting for something to happen.

“Ghost in the Shell” — Whitewashing bad, movie dull.

“The Discovery” — Afterlife is kinda a bummer.

“Beauty and the Beast” — You’re wrong. Cartoon is better.

“Alien: Covenant” — Stop trusting the robot!

“Handsome: A Netflix Mystery Movie” — Feels like failed TV pilot.

“Justice League” — Exists only to sell toys.

“The Belko Experiment” — Office culture with more murder.

“The Incredible Jessica James” — She seems average at best.

“Rough Night” — Rough movie!

“Fist Fight” — Charlie better on “Always Sunny.”

“King Arthur: Legend of the Sword” — No legend necessary. It sucks.

“American Fable” — Wait, I watched this movie?

“Power Rangers” — Bryan Cranston needed money, apparently.

“The Girl with All the Gifts” — Mostly just uninteresting gifts.

“The Great Wall” — Matt Damon fights monsters. Snore.

“The Dark Tower” — Return your Oscar, Matthew McConaughey.

“A Cure for Wellness” — Gorgeous movie, icky story.

“Song to Song” — Terrence Malick isn’t perfect.

“The Circle” — Facebook is probably evil, guys!

“Monster Trucks” — So not like Monster Jam.

“Potterville” — Nice Michael Shannon still terrifying.

“Bright” — Netflix spent $90 million. No.

“CHIPS” — Nobody asked for this.

“The Mummy” — Cruise bad. Brendan Fraser vindicated!

“Sleepless” — Jamie Foxx something something forgotten.

“A Dog’s Purpose” — I’m gonna lose Facebook friends.

“Resident Evil: The Final Chapter” — Shoulda stopped at the first.

“Transformers: The Last Knight” — I watched this. Why? WHY?!

“Baywatch” — No, no, no, no, no.

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Tyler Wilson can be reached at [email protected]