Hightower fined for unnecessary kindness

By MIKE PATRICK

PPP Commissioner

Something’s going on that’s got The League’s top official in a tinsel-tangled tizzy.

Nowhere in the Press Pigskin Prognosticator rules, laws, bylaws and other bureaucratic b.s. does it say anything about kindness and camaraderie at Christmas time. There is no Sweetness Clause (unless you’re referring to the immortal Walter Payton): Just flat-out fierce competition fueled by world class smacktalk.

Thus the email from Domino’s Pizza franchise owner Jim Hightower to the rest of the pigskin pickers set off alarms in League HQ. Posited as an innocent little postscript, Hightower penned:

“On another note, Missy [Jim’s wife] and I fed our management team sandwiches from Mr. Staples’ Firehouse Subs last week and they were awesome! My compliments!”

His compliments? HIS COMPLIMENTS?

Must The League remind Mr. Hightower that Jared Staples also owns Papa Murphy’s Pizza here, so any revenue the Domino’s folks are pumping into Papa’s purse are bolstering a direct competitor. It’s akin to sharing your team’s playbook with your biggest rival. Who cares if Firehouse Subs are indeed sumptuous? One must not feed a foe’s ego at any cost, especially when feeding your own team.

Kindness can quickly become contagious. Next thing you know, Jim Winger and Mike Randles will be exchanging pedicures; Mike Kennedy and BobbieJo Vroom will be swapping cable clients; Lee White and Pat Knight will be releasing each other on their own recognizance. No, this will not do.

The League is therefore fining both Jim and Missy Hightower — they are contractually bound, after all — $500 for the Press Christmas for All campaign, due at League HQ on Second Street in downtown Coeur d’Alene by noon Dec. 24. Sources tell The League that the Hightowers can well afford it after a very successful venture to Vegas last weekend.

And may the other prognosticators brandish their smacktalk best regardless of the season lest they incur the penalty-flag tossing, fine-levying fury of The League.

Kindness? Kick that stupid idea right through the goalposts of gridiron grinchdom.

And while you’re at it, check out the standings inside today’s Sports section.