Getting in the holiday shopping spirit
JOEL MARTIN | Hagadone News Network | UPDATED 6 years AGO
Joel Martin
Joel Martin has been with the Columbia Basin Herald for more than 25 years in a variety of roles and is the most-tenured employee in the building. Martin is a married father of eight and enjoys spending time with his children and his wife, Christina. He is passionate about the paper’s mission of informing the people of the Columbia Basin because he knows it is important to record the history of the communities the publication serves. | December 12, 2019 7:55 AM
‘Martin... Joel Martin...”
“Huh? Whazzat? Who’s clanking those chains? Oh, for the love of – Do you know what time it is?”
“Joel Martin...”
“Yeah, we got that part straight. Cripes! Can’t you people give me a break? I spent all last night with the Ghost of Christmas Pluperfect Subjunctive. I swear, if I’d had to look at one more Christmas-that-might-have-have-been, I’d’ve stabbed him in the neck with a sharpened candy cane. Did you know that there are over 60 different ways to make wassail? I do now. In detail.”
“Take it easy, that’s not my department. I’m the Spirit of Christmas Presents.”
“Christmas present? That was done long ago. You’re living in the past, pal.”
“No need to get tense about it. I said ‘Christmas presents.’ As in gifts.”
“Oh, that’s no problem. I’m an excellent gift-giver.”
“Um, well, that’s what we need to talk about. Fact is, you’re not.”
“Sure I am. Everyone says so.”
“Everyone? Would that include your nephew? You cheaped out and got him an ‘almost new’ chemistry set with all the labels missing.”
“So? He figured it out. Kid’s a genius.”
“But now he’s a genius who has 11 toes, glows in the dark and perpetually smells of paint thinner.”
“Yeah, well, that could have happened to anybody.”
“And the time you gave your in-laws that liqueur from some obscure valley in Tajikistan?”
“Hey, that was a real coup. Do you know how hard that was to find?”
“I sure do. And I know that it left the hazmat crew with PTSD and they’re now legally prohibited from selling their house for 400 years.”
“But they don’t want to move anyway. No harm, no foul.”
“And since you bring up fowl –”
“I didn’t.”
“There was that time you sent a Christmas goose to your cousin and his family.”
“I thought it was a nice gesture. Like in the song, ‘Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat...’ It’s a tradition.”
“But you didn’t read the fine print. The service delivered a live goose to the house. It pecked their Yorkie to death, treated their living room like a statue in the park, busted out a window and flew away.”
“Hmm. I wondered why they hadn’t spoken to me lately.”
“It’s always like that with you. Always. I mean, who gives a nail gun to a six-year-old? Face it, Martin, you need to leave the Christmas shopping to your wife.”
“Can’t I even do the stocking stuffers? I have some really good ideas for that.”
“Like the turbocharged Pez dispensers last year? I hear your daughter’s candy extraction surgery went well. Pity she’ll always have that dent in her skull. And let’s not even bring up the...”
“Okay, okay, you win. I’ll let my wife take over this year. So why don’t you tell her that yourself and let me get some sleep?”
“You nuts? You think I’m gonna wake that woman up at this time of night? Not me, buddy.”
“Smart ghost.”
Joel Martin can be reached via email at [email protected].
ARTICLES BY JOEL MARTIN
‘Our favorite time of year’
Shop with a Cop brings smiles to both children and officers
MOSES LAKE — The heavy police presence outside local stores recently wasn’t because of a crime wave. It was police officers engaging in their favorite annual event. “This is one of those times throughout the year that we don't have to go and ask for volunteers to help,” said Moses Lake Police Chief David Sands. “The first day we put it out, I think we got 20-some people say ‘Yeah, we’re in.’ That's just under half the department right away.“
BASIN EVENTS: Dec. 19-27
COLUMBIA BASIN — It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas, and a lot of people will be spending time at home with their families or at the church of their choice. Still, there are a few things happening around the Basin. Here are some ideas:
Chimney maintenance is essential for safety
MOSES LAKE — With Christmas just around the corner, lots of folks are using their fireplaces for warmth, roasting chestnuts or just a pleasant atmosphere. But before Santa pays your chimney a visit, you should make sure it’s in good working order. Chimney fires are responsible for more than three-fourths of residential building heating fires, according to the U.S. Fire Administration. Regular inspections and cleaning are the best way to prevent that, said Michael Harper, known as The Chimney Guy. “If they’re using (the fireplace) aesthetically – date night, Christmas, New Year’s, show-off times, something in the background here and there, (they should) have it inspected once a year for peace of mind,” Harper said. “If they’re using it two to three days a week religiously through the winter months, they need to have it cleaned once a year.”