Getting in the holiday shopping spirit
JOEL MARTIN | Hagadone News Network | UPDATED 6 years, 10 months AGO
Joel Martin
Joel Martin has been with the Columbia Basin Herald for more than 25 years in a variety of roles and is the most-tenured employee in the building. Martin is a married father of eight and enjoys spending time with his children and his wife, Christina. He is passionate about the paper’s mission of informing the people of the Columbia Basin because he knows it is important to record the history of the communities the publication serves. | December 12, 2019 7:55 AM
‘Martin... Joel Martin...”
“Huh? Whazzat? Who’s clanking those chains? Oh, for the love of – Do you know what time it is?”
“Joel Martin...”
“Yeah, we got that part straight. Cripes! Can’t you people give me a break? I spent all last night with the Ghost of Christmas Pluperfect Subjunctive. I swear, if I’d had to look at one more Christmas-that-might-have-have-been, I’d’ve stabbed him in the neck with a sharpened candy cane. Did you know that there are over 60 different ways to make wassail? I do now. In detail.”
“Take it easy, that’s not my department. I’m the Spirit of Christmas Presents.”
“Christmas present? That was done long ago. You’re living in the past, pal.”
“No need to get tense about it. I said ‘Christmas presents.’ As in gifts.”
“Oh, that’s no problem. I’m an excellent gift-giver.”
“Um, well, that’s what we need to talk about. Fact is, you’re not.”
“Sure I am. Everyone says so.”
“Everyone? Would that include your nephew? You cheaped out and got him an ‘almost new’ chemistry set with all the labels missing.”
“So? He figured it out. Kid’s a genius.”
“But now he’s a genius who has 11 toes, glows in the dark and perpetually smells of paint thinner.”
“Yeah, well, that could have happened to anybody.”
“And the time you gave your in-laws that liqueur from some obscure valley in Tajikistan?”
“Hey, that was a real coup. Do you know how hard that was to find?”
“I sure do. And I know that it left the hazmat crew with PTSD and they’re now legally prohibited from selling their house for 400 years.”
“But they don’t want to move anyway. No harm, no foul.”
“And since you bring up fowl –”
“I didn’t.”
“There was that time you sent a Christmas goose to your cousin and his family.”
“I thought it was a nice gesture. Like in the song, ‘Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat...’ It’s a tradition.”
“But you didn’t read the fine print. The service delivered a live goose to the house. It pecked their Yorkie to death, treated their living room like a statue in the park, busted out a window and flew away.”
“Hmm. I wondered why they hadn’t spoken to me lately.”
“It’s always like that with you. Always. I mean, who gives a nail gun to a six-year-old? Face it, Martin, you need to leave the Christmas shopping to your wife.”
“Can’t I even do the stocking stuffers? I have some really good ideas for that.”
“Like the turbocharged Pez dispensers last year? I hear your daughter’s candy extraction surgery went well. Pity she’ll always have that dent in her skull. And let’s not even bring up the...”
“Okay, okay, you win. I’ll let my wife take over this year. So why don’t you tell her that yourself and let me get some sleep?”
“You nuts? You think I’m gonna wake that woman up at this time of night? Not me, buddy.”
“Smart ghost.”
Joel Martin can be reached via email at [email protected].
ARTICLES BY JOEL MARTIN
Endless battle
Noxious Weed Control Board works to keep invasive plants under control
MOSES LAKE — Some of the nastiest plants in Grant County were the topic of a class led by Jay Johnson, a consultant with the Grant County Noxious Weed Control Board, Tuesday. The Noxious Weed Control Board, as its name would suggest, is tasked with keeping weeds under control in Grant County. That’s not a small job; the board’s website lists 129 species of noxious weeds that are found around Grant County. A noxious weed is defined as an invasive, non-native plant that threatens agricultural crops, local ecosystems or fish and wildlife habitat, according to the Noxious Weed Control Board. Washington state law requires that these weeds be identified and their spread kept to a minimum, if not completely eradicated. “We’re one of those agencies a lot of people don’t really understand,” Johnson said. “We’re a county office and … our funding is tax-based assessment. When you get your tax bill and you look down at all the expenses that you pay for, there we are.”
BASIN EVENTS: Oct. 16-24
COLUMBIA BASIN — Whether you feel like shopping, crafting, learning or seeing a show, there’s something happening for you this week in the Basin. Oct. 16 ‘My Family (Mi Familia)’ screening Spanning three generations, “My Family (Mi Familia)” is a heartfelt drama that follows the Sánchez family as they build their lives in East Los Angeles. Through love, hardship, triumph, and sacrifice, the film explores the immigrant experience, the strength of family bonds, and the traditions that connect one generation to the next. Lowrider show and taco truck before the screening. Sponsored by Columbia Basin Allied Arts, EDUBS C/S and the Moses Lake Creative District. $12 per person. Doors open at 6 p.m., film begins at 7 p.m. at the Moses Lake Civic Center Auditorium, 401 S. Balsam St. Tickets and info: www.cba-arts.org.
Moses Lake author encourages women to look beyond church culture norms
MOSES LAKE — A Moses Lake author’s book, “A Christian Woman Striving to Live Her Faith in a Man-Controlled World,” takes aim at the role to which many churches relegate the female half of their congregations. “It’s to encourage women in the faith,” Linda Curran said. “A lot of churches say, ‘Teach Sunday school, do this, do that, but don’t (evangelize.)’" In her book, Curran recounts a time when she moved to a new community and joined a church there. She was surprised to learn that, as a new female member, she had been automatically assigned church cleaning duties. When she questioned it, she wrote, she was met with condescension and her objections were brushed aside. In other churches, she said, women who were capable of teaching were relegated to “women’s ministry.”