Help for holiday grieving

The holidays can be tough if you’re grieving. The festive decorations, merry greetings and pervasive Christmas music others find cheerful may bring daggers of fresh pain to those dealing with loss (or fearing that’s imminent). Or getting over a tough breakup. Or just feeling lonely for what they don’t have.

All involve forms of grieving. Getting through grief over the holidays takes practice; traditions and imagery can bring difficult reminders which make it difficult to enjoy new experiences. As a family with a dead son, we’ve learned that rather than fight these waves, it’s easier to just hold on tight and ride the current, wherever it leads. Yes, it is possible to do that, and still feel joy during calmer waters.

But like anything worth having, it takes work. Clinical social worker, professor, and bestselling author Amy Morin is an internationally recognized expert on mental strength. She’s also a widow who knows first-hand what it takes.

In a 2015 article in Psychology Today, Morin offered this advice for those struggling with loss in the holiday season:

1. Trust that grief is part of healing. Time alone doesn’t heal pain associated with loss; it’s what you do with that time that matters. Grief is a healing process. Experiencing the pain — rather than constantly trying to escape it — can actually help you feel better in the long-term.

So while it may be tempting to pretend the holidays don’t exist (or numb it with alcohol), temporarily avoiding the pain only prolongs anguish. Eventually, the holidays will get easier, but only if you allow yourself to experience the grief of going through them without your loved one.

2. Set healthy boundaries. Confronting grief doesn’t have to mean forcing yourself to face every holiday event or tradition. If one in particular is likely to evoke too many painful memories this year, be willing to say no.

3. Focus on what you can control. Things you can’t control are Christmas music in shops and waiting rooms, or hearing coworkers talking about holiday plans.

But there are some things you can control, ways to lessen the sting when possible, such as limiting decorations or doing your gift shopping online. Morin advises picking a few such things to assert some control, while keeping in mind that life goes on for others, and it’s also OK that they’re happy to celebrate this year.

4. Plan. Our family has really found this one to be true: Often the anticipation over how hard something will be is actually worse than the moment itself. So while Christmas morning only lasts a few hours, you could easily spend three weeks dreading it.

Create a simple plan for how you’ll get through the holidays to avoid extending your anguish. That may include an escape plan. Drive yourself to holiday functions or ride with someone who agrees to take you home early if needed. Just knowing you can easily leave can help you enjoy the activity much more than you would if you felt stuck.

5. Allow yourself to feel a wide range of emotion. You might experience joy, guilt, laughter and sadness all within a few minutes. Allow those to pass and combine without judging yourself or thinking you should be happy, or that you shouldn’t be laughing. No rules.

6. Find a way to honor memories. In the case of death, many find comfort in memorializing that person. It can be as simple as lighting a candle or preparing their favorite food. Such rituals serve as a tangible reminder that love continues.

7. Create new traditions. Don’t be afraid to create new traditions (or alter old ones). Especially if it’s a little out of the ordinary it can feel good — an affirmation of life here and now.

8. Do something for others. Practicing compassion is a quick road to happiness. Even (or perhaps especially) in the midst of grief you still have something to offer the world, and it helps to break out of our heavy thoughts and focus on others.

9. Ask for help. Morin emphasizes that if things just feel too heavy, don’t be afraid to ask for help. Reminding loved ones that you’re having a rough time may be enough, but you can get further support from helplines (national 800-662-HELP; Idaho crisis line 208-788-3596; or text “HOME” to 741741), as well as professional counselors who can help you deal with grief in a healthy way.

And try to remember, it’s a process — with no uniform timeline, rights, or wrongs.

“Grief is itself a medicine.” — William Cowper, 18th century English poet

•••

Sholeh Patrick is a columnist for the Hagadone News Network. Contact her at [email protected].